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Joe Biden denies Dolphin support to Ukraine

The US Navy has been deployed to the Black Sea in order to aid Ukraine against Russian attack. However, the US Government will not lend use of it’s Elite Dolphin Attack Force, as they are the best friends of Vice President Joe Biden. “The Vice President has made it clear that our assistance to the […]

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Polar Bears encounter racism at South Pole

A group of polar bears who set-up a village in Antarctica have been subjected to vicious racism and torment at the hands of right wing penguins! The bears, who headed south in search of a new life after their home melted, are said to be honest and hard working but their lives have been made […]

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Meet the Orca that is standing by SeaWorld amidst Blackfish controversy

Everywhere you turn, people are attacking the SeaWorld theme parks for being animal-hating overlords in the cruel game of dolphin trafficking. The film Blackfish has exposed SeaWorld’s passionate hatred for the ocean and everything residing in it. But does everyone share this point of view? A killer whale called Leti begs to differ! “I think […]

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STDs and tobacco use are leading causes of Death for fast-living Honeybees

It’s an unspoken rule of the insect world: bees love to party. They love swarming about, getting shitfaced, spewing honey and dropping their pants in public for on-lookers with smart phones. The truest of cheeky animal bastards, bees are. Unfortunately, all that fast and hard living in the Honeybee community has yielded terrible results. STDs. […]

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Haddock Profiles: Harley Svalhelsen, Pet Masseuser

It takes a skilled hand, keen eye, and otherworldly sense of being to properly massage a hedgehog. Thankfully, those are all qualities of Harley Svalhelsen, Professionally Licensed and Bonded Pet Massage Therapist. He also enjoys Watercolor! Mr. Svalhelsen has been massaging all types of domestic animals for over twenty-eight years, and he feels great about […]

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Road Bridge built from Spider Silk collapses under the weight of Flies

Plans to build a road bridge from spider silk ran into problems today after the structure collapsed under the weight of ten billion flying insects. Using the theory that spider silk is one of the strongest substances on Earth the team attempted to build a bridge across the River Seven in Somerset using the material. […]

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Loch Ness Monster blasts Amazon: “allow my Erotic Fiction!”

Following an article on The Kernel exposing the sick, depraved underbelly of free expression, Amazon.com and other sellers of literature took a page out of Fahrenheit 451 and set fire to portions of their erotic fiction sections. Among those affected by the purification was the genre of Cryptozoological Erotica. In a matter of moments, Bigfoot, […]

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LGBT water fowl refuse to answer Duck Dynasty duck calls!

Quack this, cross-clutcher! Gay ducks everywhere are expressing outrage over the recent rant by Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson in an interview with GQ Magazine. In the interview, Phil claimed that “the bible expressly forbids gays in the executive suite jacuzzi of our heavenly father,” and that “homosexual sex is no different than finger-banging a donkey.” […]

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Ghosts of Thanksgiving turkeys return to haunt Americans

Yesterday, Americans took time to reflect on the things they value most in life: insatiable gluttony, murdering Indians, and a version of football where the foot is used for about 15% of the competition. As is tradition, thousands of turkeys met their demise in order to satisfy the notorious Yankee appetite. This year however, those […]

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Lance Armstrong Presents: Ampheta-Horse!

Accepting, for a moment, that Lance Armstrong has about as much chance of making a comeback into the sporting world as Rudolf Hess running a bagel stall in Central Park, he’s finally accepted that a career change may be in order. Using the slogan ‘If you can’t beat em, cheat em!’ he is working with […]

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