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Inordinate amount of Zebras beaching in Greenland

Roll Tide! No, not the Alabama football team, but rather the inexplicable death of hundreds of endangered mountain zebras washing up off the coast of Greenland. And anyway, fuck Greenland.* Although the exact cause of death remains a mystery at the present, researchers have determined that the animals died only days before making landfall. There […]

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Blofeld offers ‘Amusing Deaths’ for Cats

Bloefeld will allow your cat to go out in style Having retired from Spectre after being unceremoniously dumped down a chimney by James Bond (he was rescued by Fred Dibnah) Ernst Stavro Bloefeld has decided to cash in on his one undoubted talent for inventing amusing deaths and turn it into a chain of shops specialising in […]

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Diplo-Dockers! Container Port Attacked by Dinosaurs!

Felixstowe container port in Suffolk, currently ranked as the 35th largest in the world, has been attacked by dinosaurs.  Police attended the site in the early hours of the morning after reports of a disturbance involving gigantic prehistoric lizards. Initially believing the call to be a hoax they sent Bob Farley, Suffolk’s oldest policeman. Bob was eaten at 3.15am (according […]

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Pig’s Rights group files discrimination suit against major religions

“It is 2013. Please, EAT US!” That was the core message behind a speech given in Oklahoma City by Tammy, a spotted potbelly and chairhog of the Coalition for Pig Equality. The CPE filed suit against several major religions this morning, claiming that pigs have been unfairly portrayed in most significant religious texts. “We are […]

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Celebrity chef Bobby Flay apologizes for barbequing the Queen’s swan!

Flay cooks the Queen’s goose! In a bizarre turn of events, it turns out that American celebrity chef Bobby Flay is behind the recent barbeque smoking of one of the Queen’s beloved mute swans. The Food Network star was on holiday near Windsor when he spotted the unmarked mute swan. He decided to apply his […]

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Chinese Zoo admits that dogs and lions are not the same thing

They’re animals…what more do you need to know? A zoo in China has come under criticism over the fact that no one working in the zoo seems to know anything about animals. In an official statement from a man simply referred to as “Xai,” the zoo “is not responsible for accurate information regarding it’s displays” […]

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New York subway shark is the Kitty Genovese of our time

In 1964, a deranged fuck-knuckle killed a lady in plain view of 38 people and no one was particularly bothered by it. Since the 60s, we’ve evolved greatly; human murders are now much more private events, and on the whole, killing is more strongly frowned upon by the public. Killers will be killers though. They […]

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Police unions lobby for ability to indiscriminately fire on family pets

To Serve and Protect and Kill When We Feel Like It! The American police officer is many things: overly assertive, unreasonably confident, armed with a lethal weapon, and far too often, a blood-thirsty sociopath. No time is this more apparent than when police officers make the conscious decision to murder people’s family pets. Generally this […]

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Royal Mail privatization will not affect snake deliveries

Vince Cable, a man whose name is real and was not pulled from a Young Adult fiction novel, is also the business secretary of the United Kingdom. As such, he is the man in charge of making sure the Royal Mail delivers live, healthy snakes to over 29 million homes across the country. With the […]

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Cockatiel wins this season of Britain’s Got Talons

A Yellow Cockatiel named Mitzy has scored the big win on Britain’s Got Talons (the country’s most popular Avian talent competition). In front of a packed crowd, Mitzy ruffled her feathers, performed a mating call, and ate twice her weight in bird feed. Baby Got Plumage! “Spectacular,” raved celebrity judge Fred Dryer. In addition to […]

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