Smalltalk costs lives In a desperate attempt to avoid smalltalk with the office cleaner a man in Buffalo Texas shot himself in the face with a magnum .44 calibre pistol yesterday evening. Bob Krantz 51, financial director, was pronounced dead at the scene on account of the fact that most of his head was missing. […]
A radical feminist’s vagina has raised eyebrows over a series of tweets it sent out last Friday voicing its somewhat extreme feelings towards the sex organs of men. Betty, the vagina of feminist blogger Anna Schmundilech, went on a 38-tweet tirade which spanned many subjects; most notably, a passage about penises being “violent sexual anarchists” […]
Continue reading …Impostor! As we all know, Laser Owl is a hero. He shoots lasers from his eyes, and he can stop all bad things from happening. The stoic, graceful bird has saved Valentine’s Day from the Hallmark Corporation, defeated the TupperWarewolf, and even beat president Barack Obama in a spirited game of table tennis. He is […]
Continue reading …The Answer: Far too often! Now is the time for concern about the body image problem in the moose community! It is not a crime to be a fat moose. It is a crime to hit someone with a ball-peen hammer. Never confuse those two. DEVELOPING: Joke about the plural form of Moose! What do […]
Continue reading …Well fucking well, Your Majesty. As If You’ve Never! The United Kingdom did the moonwalk in the civil liberties department this past Tuesday, declaring a broad swath of sexual acts to be illegal for filming. Let’s rate them by how much I thoroughly enjoy them: Spanking – Couldn’t care less about it personally, but if […]
Continue reading …With the price of mere existence rising exponentially, Senior Care has felt the strain of a tightened belt. What are the elderly to do with themselves and their many various skin discolorations? Germany has turned this problem into profit with the “Mehrgenerationenhaus” (or “House of Rentable Geriatrics”). For a sensible rate, Germany’s young go-getters who […]
Continue reading …Babies. Nobody likes them, but they’re necessary. Though we’ve conquered many of our natural instincts, propagating our horrible species persists, and as such, people continue to pump out smaller people with tiny fingers and toes that don’t know how to talk and smell funny. But in this day and age, where equality is important for […]
Continue reading …Live and let Dino! Yes Jurassic World hits cinema screens this week by a miracle of modern science. The franchise, thought to have become extinct, was reanimated last year using blood from a mosquito which, having bitten movie mogul Steven Spielberg, then unwittingly flew into some tree sap and was preserved in amber. The DNA […]
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