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Businessman shoots himself to avoid smalltalk with the office cleaner!
Smalltalk costs lives In a desperate attempt to avoid smalltalk with the office cleaner a man in Buffalo Texas shot himself in the face with a magnum .44 calibre pistol yesterday evening. Bob Krantz 51, financial director, was pronounced dead at the scene on account of the fact that most of his head was missing. […]
Feminist’s Vagina shocks: “Penises deserve the gas chamber!”
November 23, 2014
A radical feminist’s vagina has raised eyebrows over a series of tweets it sent out last Friday voicing its somewhat extreme feelings towards the sex organs of men. Betty, the vagina of feminist blogger Anna Schmundilech, went on a 38-tweet tirade which spanned many subjects; most notably, a passage about penises being “violent sexual anarchists” […]
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After a long, meaningless pursuit of president Barack Obama’s birth certificate, Donald Trump dunked his head in Elmer’s glue. He then rolled around in a dog kennel, and went to John Boehner’s tanning salon. After that he had a ate lobster from the asshole of a Greek god, and somehow managed to sire one of […]
Continue reading …Ten Reasons that Luke Skywalker is Better than Han Solo!
March 13, 2015
Ten Reasons that Luke is Better than Han! 1. He is a more plausible Gay icon! 2. He is a Jedi 3. His dad rocks 4. He kissed his own sister 5. He can bullseye a wop rat in his T-16 6. He looks good in brown 7. He can do this… 8. […]
Continue reading …Laser Owl is NOT to blame for attacks on Dutch village!
March 2, 2015
Impostor! As we all know, Laser Owl is a hero. He shoots lasers from his eyes, and he can stop all bad things from happening. The stoic, graceful bird has saved Valentine’s Day from the Hallmark Corporation, defeated the TupperWarewolf, and even beat president Barack Obama in a spirited game of table tennis. He is […]
Continue reading …You’ll never Believe how much this Moose Weighs!
January 26, 2015
The Answer: Far too often! Now is the time for concern about the body image problem in the moose community! It is not a crime to be a fat moose. It is a crime to hit someone with a ball-peen hammer. Never confuse those two. DEVELOPING: Joke about the plural form of Moose! What do […]
Continue reading …Why is the UK Uncomfortable with Female Ejaculation?
December 3, 2014
Well fucking well, Your Majesty. As If You’ve Never! The United Kingdom did the moonwalk in the civil liberties department this past Tuesday, declaring a broad swath of sexual acts to be illegal for filming. Let’s rate them by how much I thoroughly enjoy them: Spanking – Couldn’t care less about it personally, but if […]
Continue reading …German rental Grannies not just for Children
May 4, 2014
With the price of mere existence rising exponentially, Senior Care has felt the strain of a tightened belt. What are the elderly to do with themselves and their many various skin discolorations? Germany has turned this problem into profit with the “Mehrgenerationenhaus” (or “House of Rentable Geriatrics”). For a sensible rate, Germany’s young go-getters who […]
Continue reading …Child bearing has a Diversity Problem
November 26, 2014
Babies. Nobody likes them, but they’re necessary. Though we’ve conquered many of our natural instincts, propagating our horrible species persists, and as such, people continue to pump out smaller people with tiny fingers and toes that don’t know how to talk and smell funny. But in this day and age, where equality is important for […]
Continue reading …Jurassic Park Franchise brought to life using fossilised Spielberg DNA!
November 26, 2014
Live and let Dino! Yes Jurassic World hits cinema screens this week by a miracle of modern science. The franchise, thought to have become extinct, was reanimated last year using blood from a mosquito which, having bitten movie mogul Steven Spielberg, then unwittingly flew into some tree sap and was preserved in amber. The DNA […]
Continue reading …This is also a fucking cartoon!