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“I was kicked out of University for my Excessively Loud Urination.”

“I was kicked out of University for my Excessively Loud Urination.”

Mahil Jakari’s urinary stream defies known acoustic science* and can heard from five floors away in his four-story boarding house. This is where Mahil is living after his audibly profound stream got him dismissed from Turkey’s prestigious Istanbul University. Simply stated, when he pees, Mr. Jakari’s urine creates a tri-tone similar to the one used […]

Zod loses job as elementary school principal in California

Former Superman nemesis Zod will no longer be principal of the Sarah Janewine’s Preparatory School in San Bernardino. Seriously Californians, how the fuck did you let that happen in the first place? Good Zod Damn. Amazingly, the evil alien general held his position as principal for over 13 months. Everything was going fairly well until […]

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Morning-after pill added to school lunch menus in 12 states

Scores of sexually liberated teenagers are doing cartwheels across several states this morning-after. Finally, the FDA has given the thumbs up healthy intercourse, streamlining access to baby-blocking pharmaceuticals from the comfort of the public school lunch-line! Tuesday’s Menu: Chicken picata, green bean casserole and your life not being ruined forever Many parents have applauded the […]

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Imagination can get you Killed in Colorado

Imagination can get you killed in the state of Colorado…or at the very least, it will definitely get you dispended. Once, long ago, when the land was fertile and man was at one with nature, there was a flying purple dinosaur that sang a beautiful song all about the wonders of Imagination. Now, imagination is […]

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Haddock History: Remembering the Cuban Whistle Crisis

 The Cuban Whistle Crisis! We know you don’t care about history. No one does; that’s why there is no such thing as historians. However, we at the Haddock Cultural Society would like to take the opportunity to offer literally zero insight into the present or future by taking a look at the bullshit of the […]

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Post Traumatic Strauss

Post Traumatic Strauss

Bernadette Minim, head of Music at the University of Sevenoaks has put forward the revolutionary theory that soldiers returning from battle, or people recovering from shock or stress should alleviate their symptoms by waltzing for an hour a day. Although she believes in the theory wholeheartedly, she admitted that her claims are utterly without foundation […]

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Condiment of the Season.

Condiment of the Season.

People of England, you can’t rely on public transport, you can’t rely on gritting lorries which fall to pieces in the street like clown cars. Take matters into your own hands by strapping a packet of table salt to the bonnet of your car (see picture) . Enjoy safe driving, your car will grip the road […]

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Student Looses Pencil in Tuition Fees Riot!

A student from UCL is suing London Metropolitan Police claiming that he lost a pencil during the riots last autumn. Benedict Voysey-Pemberton lost the writing implement whilst throwing a dustbin through a window in protest about the government’s plans to raise tuition fees. According to his statement, a policeman asked him to put the dustbin […]

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Losing is for Losers

Losing is for Losers

The education secretary; Lord Sharpener has introduced a new game into schools as of this week. ‘Neutrals’ will replace ‘Goodies vs Baddies’ and is expected to increase fairness and goodwill throughout Britain’s children. The game is highly adaptable but most variations fall under the umbrella of nobody taking sides, winning, losing or disagreeing upon anything. […]

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Scotch Missed

Scotch Missed

Scotch Eggs have been banned from many schools in the country following several incidents where children have been wounded. The Scotch Egg, an egg coated in meat and breadcrumbs, has become the weapon of choice for youngsters. The savoury treat is ideal for throwing at friends, family and/or enemies as it’s cheap, hard and versatile. […]

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