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Jurassic Park Franchise brought to life using fossilised Spielberg DNA!

Jurassic Park Franchise brought to life using fossilised Spielberg DNA!

Live and let Dino! Yes Jurassic World hits cinema screens this week by a miracle of modern science. The franchise, thought to have become extinct, was reanimated last year using blood from a mosquito which, having bitten movie mogul Steven Spielberg, then unwittingly flew into some tree sap and was preserved in amber. The DNA […]

StarWars VII to be filmed on Mars!

Due to a spat between JJ Abrahams and some other people whom he doesn’t like, the entire production, crew, actors, rubber things and canteen will be flown to Mars this January. Mars has much to offer those making space films because it is in space and that should save money (most of which will be […]

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Haddock Quotables – The Best of Jennifer Lawrence (So Far)

Though the rapper Mike Jones never could have known it at the time, when he penned his verse for T-Pain’s “I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper),” his words were actually describing The Hunger Games‘ dream-weaving female lead Jennifer Lawrence: “she’s every man’s dream; she’s God’s gift to Earth.” Just those lines though. The rest of […]

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When I got word that I would be reviewing the independent feature film Quite A Conundrum, I was very excited; I had seen the trailer, and I’m very attracted to skinny women in bikinis. I also enjoy alcohol, and am not at all put off by nude fat men. I welcome the odd fat man […]

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The Hunger Games theme park aims to “get Kids excited about Murder”

BREAKING NEWS: A theme park based on The Hunger Games! Hungerland! Oh the dystopian delight! I want ALL THE TICKETS! Tell me more about it, soulless boardroom executive! How many arrows can I shoot at my own family members? “You can shoot a TON of arrows at your own family members,” laughs Lionsgate Films’ Marketing […]

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Blofeld offers ‘Amusing Deaths’ for Cats

Bloefeld will allow your cat to go out in style Having retired from Spectre after being unceremoniously dumped down a chimney by James Bond (he was rescued by Fred Dibnah) Ernst Stavro Bloefeld has decided to cash in on his one undoubted talent for inventing amusing deaths and turn it into a chain of shops specialising in […]

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Unfilmed Sex might still be Porn

Just because it’s not filmed, doesn’t mean it’s not Porn! Experts confirm today that sex taking place in ordinary households might be pornographic, even if it is not filmed. It is widely supected that men dressed as plumbers are banging wives in kitchens, improbable pickups in bars lead to ‘double parking’ on the pavement outside […]

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M dot Strange is an animator and director that lives up to his name: he’s a mysterious and peculiar beast, and his first name starts with M, probably. His films have caused a myriad of injuries at underground screenings across the country, most non-life threatening, and some very life-threatening. One thing that we’re not going […]

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Virtue of the Fish Monger – A Screenplay by Bernard Floater

INT. PATRUSHSKI’S OF THE FISHERY – FRONT ROOM – DAY ANNA is a gorgeous punk rocker who thinks she knows a thing or two about a thing or two. She walks through the shop’s front door, apron under arm, cautiously eying the hanging codfish dangling about in front of her face. Raising from behind the […]

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George Lucas to direct tenuous Prequels to The Bible!

Disney buys movie rights to The Holy Bible! Having agreed to continue where George Lucas left off butchering the Star Wars franchise into a shadowy CGI bastardisation of what was once the most loved trilogy of movies ever made, the Disney Corporation have vowed to go one better having purchased movie rights to the Holy […]

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