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God takes away Scott Stapp’s money because Creed sucks ass

God takes away Scott Stapp’s money because Creed sucks ass

In a beautiful display of divine retribution, the good lord has taken away every penny from Creed frontman Scott Stapp. The singer’s band had several chart-topping hits, but apparently god was not a fan, and like the sneaky bastard he is, waited almost ten years before recouping Stapp’s personal savings. “I know a lot of […]

Are we doing enough for our Anacondas?

On August 7th, 1992 Sir Mix-A-Lot delivered his monumental “Baby Got Back” address to the European Union. Like the Churchills and Mandelas before him, Mix-A-Lot’s speech was pointed with lines of great impact. Speaking on behalf of his reptilian constituency, Mix-A-Lot proclaimed in a mighty roar: “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, […]

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UK Pop Stars discover battle rap

James Arthur: Serious Rapper, mate. England is a place known for many things: Buckingham palace, pasty, television, and greyness are just a few. But to thousands of hip-hop loving basement-dwellers, it is also known for its long history of high-quality battle rap circuits, the largest and longest-running organization being Don’t Flop. Recently, a rapper from […]

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Malaria vaccine to contain Bon Jovi lyrics

Bon Jovi lyrics can explode the brains of mosquitoes, this is old news but did you know they can also kill viruses? Scientists found that although the Kiss lyric ‘If life is a stereo turn up to ten’ caused vomiting and nausea in white mice and various invertebrates and this line from Heart: ‘I told […]

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Canadian Border Control will not let Dave Mustaine’s hair exit the country

First kicked out of Metallica, now this?! Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine is in a custody battle over the rockin’-ass fuck-you locks that grow freely from his brilliant skull. He’s at the Canadian border. Things are sucking in general right now. “Mr. Mustang is not under arrest or being detained specifically, but his hair is […]

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Katy Perry summons Cthulhu at Grammy Awards

Squidface Killah! Katy Perry’s performance of her song “Dark Horse” at last night’s Grammy Awards inadvertently summoned the otherworldly spectre of doom known as Cthulhu. The singer had been trying to get Satan himself, but could not secure his appearance due to union rules. Cthulhu entered through the venue’s ceiling, and cried out a sound […]

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It’s the race-baiting debate du jour that’s been raging since three weeks ago: is Santa Claus a white dude or a black guy? The answer is neither, because Santa Claus is actually Merengue recording artist Elvis Crespo. Through the power of magical laughter from the hearts of children everywhere, every December Crespo is whimsically transformed […]

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Juggalos organize a fancy Dinner Party

Times have become tough for the Insane Clown Posse: album sales have dropped, the price of greasepaint has risen. But perhaps worst of all for the rapping circus duo is that fans of the group (known as juggalos) were recently declared to be a “loosely organized hybrid gang” by the FBI. This aggression will not […]

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Blue Ivy Carter and North West to collaborate on “Watch the Crib”

To prove that their offspring are indeed the products of super-humans, the respective newborns of Jay-Z and Kanye West will be collaborating on a record slated for release next summer. The album will be appropriately titled Watch the Crib, though I’ve Been on Wikipedia Since Conception was a close (and accurate) second choice. At 2 […]

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Imagine what you’d look like if you were cool. Slim faced, interesting and/or attractive to the opposite sex…basically whatever starkly contrasts the current you. Now imagine you’re that same person, dressed like Bruce Springsteen in a beat up Chevy drinking a beer while driving. Now scale that back just a bit, and head south about […]

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