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God takes away Scott Stapp’s money because Creed sucks ass
In a beautiful display of divine retribution, the good lord has taken away every penny from Creed frontman Scott Stapp. The singer’s band had several chart-topping hits, but apparently god was not a fan, and like the sneaky bastard he is, waited almost ten years before recouping Stapp’s personal savings. “I know a lot of […]
Are we doing enough for our Anacondas?
August 22, 2014
On August 7th, 1992 Sir Mix-A-Lot delivered his monumental “Baby Got Back” address to the European Union. Like the Churchills and Mandelas before him, Mix-A-Lot’s speech was pointed with lines of great impact. Speaking on behalf of his reptilian constituency, Mix-A-Lot proclaimed in a mighty roar: “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, […]
Continue reading …UK Pop Stars discover battle rap
April 10, 2014
James Arthur: Serious Rapper, mate. England is a place known for many things: Buckingham palace, pasty, television, and greyness are just a few. But to thousands of hip-hop loving basement-dwellers, it is also known for its long history of high-quality battle rap circuits, the largest and longest-running organization being Don’t Flop. Recently, a rapper from […]
Continue reading …Malaria vaccine to contain Bon Jovi lyrics
April 7, 2014
Bon Jovi lyrics can explode the brains of mosquitoes, this is old news but did you know they can also kill viruses? Scientists found that although the Kiss lyric ‘If life is a stereo turn up to ten’ caused vomiting and nausea in white mice and various invertebrates and this line from Heart: ‘I told […]
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First kicked out of Metallica, now this?! Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine is in a custody battle over the rockin’-ass fuck-you locks that grow freely from his brilliant skull. He’s at the Canadian border. Things are sucking in general right now. “Mr. Mustang is not under arrest or being detained specifically, but his hair is […]
Continue reading …Katy Perry summons Cthulhu at Grammy Awards
January 28, 2014
Squidface Killah! Katy Perry’s performance of her song “Dark Horse” at last night’s Grammy Awards inadvertently summoned the otherworldly spectre of doom known as Cthulhu. The singer had been trying to get Satan himself, but could not secure his appearance due to union rules. Cthulhu entered through the venue’s ceiling, and cried out a sound […]
Continue reading …Santa Claus is actually Merengue singer Elvis Crespo!
December 24, 2013It’s the race-baiting debate du jour that’s been raging since three weeks ago: is Santa Claus a white dude or a black guy? The answer is neither, because Santa Claus is actually Merengue recording artist Elvis Crespo. Through the power of magical laughter from the hearts of children everywhere, every December Crespo is whimsically transformed […]
Continue reading …Juggalos organize a fancy Dinner Party
December 10, 2013
Times have become tough for the Insane Clown Posse: album sales have dropped, the price of greasepaint has risen. But perhaps worst of all for the rapping circus duo is that fans of the group (known as juggalos) were recently declared to be a “loosely organized hybrid gang” by the FBI. This aggression will not […]
Continue reading …Blue Ivy Carter and North West to collaborate on “Watch the Crib”
December 9, 2013
To prove that their offspring are indeed the products of super-humans, the respective newborns of Jay-Z and Kanye West will be collaborating on a record slated for release next summer. The album will be appropriately titled Watch the Crib, though I’ve Been on Wikipedia Since Conception was a close (and accurate) second choice. At 2 […]
Continue reading …The Howling Tongues: Salad Ready
September 30, 2013Imagine what you’d look like if you were cool. Slim faced, interesting and/or attractive to the opposite sex…basically whatever starkly contrasts the current you. Now imagine you’re that same person, dressed like Bruce Springsteen in a beat up Chevy drinking a beer while driving. Now scale that back just a bit, and head south about […]
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