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Bernie Sanders: “Guacamole is a basic human right”

Bernie Sanders: “Guacamole is a basic human right”

Guac the Vote! Senator Benie Sanders has vowed that if elected president, he will push for comprehensive guacamole reform within the Mexican food service industry. “It is unacceptable that the wealthiest one percent of people in this country have access to ninety-nine percent of the nations avocado-based chip dip,” Sanders remarked on Monday. “Every able-bodied […]

Get Surgery to make you American! Trump tells Immigrants.

Donald Trump said today that altering their features surgically would turn Immigrants into good God-fearing Americans thus solving lots of problems and saving the money that would have been spent on the Mexican Wall. The idea is to surgically make everyone the same, and therefore do away with the concept of anything being international at […]

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Congress considers bill to feed the Homeless to Wolves

For years, there have been people all over the world that live without homes. They are often referred to as “homeless.” Some people think that the homeless should be helped, fed, clothed, and tickled by the more fortunate of society. Others believe that they should be fed to wolves. A recently proposed bill will see […]

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Donald Trump: “I don’t believe anyone was born in the United States”

After a long, meaningless pursuit of president Barack Obama’s birth certificate, Donald Trump dunked his head in Elmer’s glue. He then rolled around in a dog kennel, and went to John Boehner’s tanning salon. After that he had a ate lobster from the asshole of a Greek god, and somehow managed to sire one of […]

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America sectioned under the mental health act

USA is Certifiable The UN council unanimously voted to have America sectioned under the mental health act. As of tomorrow the entire country will be known as ‘That Mental bloke’ and treated with deep suspicion by other more sane countries. The Mexican delegation said that America was so mad that starving drug mules who live […]

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Political Correctness responsible for UKIP

Political Correctness has admitted today (stood outside his London home) that he is ultimately responsible for the rise of UKIP. UKIP (a collective celebrating the stuff that drunk people say but regret the next day) was born the night after a party thrown for Mr Correctness in a Chelsea Loft during the early 1990’s. ‘The […]

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Harrison Ford’s injury on Star Wars set prompts stricter Spacecraft regulations

Yesterday actor Harrison Ford was injured on the set of Star Wars Episode VII. The injury was due to a malfunctioning door hatch on his ship the Millennium Falcon, and also because he is quite old. Ford was airlifted to an area hospital, even though that hospital was within walking distance. Most medical experts believe […]

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Joe Biden denies Dolphin support to Ukraine

The US Navy has been deployed to the Black Sea in order to aid Ukraine against Russian attack. However, the US Government will not lend use of it’s Elite Dolphin Attack Force, as they are the best friends of Vice President Joe Biden. “The Vice President has made it clear that our assistance to the […]

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The ‘League of Dick Shaped Islands’ welcomes its Newest Member!

The League of Dick Shaped Islands (LDSI), a body who represent the inhabitants of all tracts of land surrounded by water that resemble male genitalia, are proud to welcome their newest member Bering Island a small lonely island in the Bering Sea. Bering Island is 56 miles long, 15 miles wide and is shaped like […]

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Geologists Say Scottish Independence is Unlikely

In order to allow Scotland to separate fully from England an earthquake of unparalleled magnitude would be required. Despite his considerable size, even if you were to drop Alex Salmond from the edge of the atmosphere and he collided exactly with the border it would only provide 17%  of the fifty million kilotons of energy required to divide the […]

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