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Geologists Say Scottish Independence is Unlikely

In order to allow Scotland to separate fully from England an earthquake of unparalleled magnitude would be required. Despite his considerable size, even if you were to drop Alex Salmond from the edge of the atmosphere and he collided exactly with the border it would only provide 17%  of the fifty million kilotons of energy required to divide the […]

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Canadian Border Control will not let Dave Mustaine’s hair exit the country

First kicked out of Metallica, now this?! Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine is in a custody battle over the rockin’-ass fuck-you locks that grow freely from his brilliant skull. He’s at the Canadian border. Things are sucking in general right now. “Mr. Mustang is not under arrest or being detained specifically, but his hair is […]

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Grilled Cheese Sandwich to run for Mayor of Austin, Texas

Hot off the Panini Press! With the Supreme Court’s recent ruling that all people have the right to spend an unlimited amount of money on political campaign contributions, one man has ceased the opportunity to enact legitimate change in his community. That man is Gerald Kindler: a multimillionaire, and newly appointed Chief of Staff for […]

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Angry Birds begin bombardment of NSA HQ

Enough is enough, the Angry Birds have taken the fight back to the NSA. News that the NSA have been hacking into the program and collecting the personal data of various birds and gamers proved too much for the wingless Finnish stars. The NSA team was believed to be searching for information pertaining to a […]

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Chris Christie created Job title for the Dude who gets his Video Games!

The deep probings of New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s bridge burning scandal have uncovered several shocking revelations. Among them is that Christie eats while showering, but is that really a revelation? More shocking might be that he made up a taxpayer-funded job at the Port Authority for the guy who fetches his Playstation 4 games. […]

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US Army Major relieved of position due to embarrassing Fist-bump

US Major General Michael Carey went to Russia, got hammered, bothered everyone, and attempted to stuff his balls into an oboe. For all intents and purposes, a stellar representation of America’s foreign policy. Carey’s dignified position would soon be jeopardized however, due to a faux pas that, under certain interpretations of the Constitution, is tantamount […]

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For 8 minutes, Healthcare.gov sold car insurance

Since its launch, Healthcare.gov has had problems. Many of those involve the fact that health care (as in “Healthcare”) was not being properly administered (as in “.gov”). Solution? As Don Draper would say: change the conversation. So for 8 minutes yesterday, Healthcare.gov decided to sell car insurance. Apparently the glitch occurred when an IT contractor […]

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$5 Million offered to anyone who can successfully govern an African nation

Do you have what it takes to lead? Do you have any idea how central management works? Have you personally seen the corpses of starved children and people hacking each other’s limbs off with machetes for no discernible reason? If you’ve answered yes to any or none of these questions, $5 million could be yours! […]

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Congress votes to eliminate Blue from the Visible Color Spectrum

It’s the latest Government Shutdownmagedon, Charlie Brown! Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have been working tirelessly to accomplish absolutely no compromise, and making great strides towards that goal. So much so, that they done shut down the whole damn country. One of the little-known aspects the government furlough is that part of the […]

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High Alert! North Korea Tests MDMA-Bomb

An area the size of Belgium was transformed into a giant love-in yesterday afternoon after North Korea detonated a bomb loaded with liquid ecstasy. The weapon, considered to be more tactically devastating than a nuclear warhead, is capable of reducing even the most battle hardened and ferocious fighting force into rabble of dancing flakes who […]

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