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You’ll never Believe how much this Moose Weighs!

You’ll never Believe how much this Moose Weighs!

The Answer: Far too often! Now is the time for concern about the body image problem in the moose community! It is not a crime to be a fat moose. It is a crime to hit someone with a ball-peen hammer. Never confuse those two. DEVELOPING: Joke about the plural form of Moose! What do […]

Why is the UK Uncomfortable with Female Ejaculation?

Well fucking well, Your Majesty. As If You’ve Never! The United Kingdom did the moonwalk in the civil liberties department this past Tuesday, declaring a broad swath of sexual acts to be illegal for filming. Let’s rate them by how much I thoroughly enjoy them: Spanking – Couldn’t care less about it personally, but if […]

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Jurassic Park Franchise brought to life using fossilised Spielberg DNA!

Live and let Dino! Yes Jurassic World hits cinema screens this week by a miracle of modern science. The franchise, thought to have become extinct, was reanimated last year using blood from a mosquito which, having bitten movie mogul Steven Spielberg, then unwittingly flew into some tree sap and was preserved in amber. The DNA […]

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Are we doing enough for our Anacondas?

On August 7th, 1992 Sir Mix-A-Lot delivered his monumental “Baby Got Back” address to the European Union. Like the Churchills and Mandelas before him, Mix-A-Lot’s speech was pointed with lines of great impact. Speaking on behalf of his reptilian constituency, Mix-A-Lot proclaimed in a mighty roar: “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, […]

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Are rising Mortgage Rates destroying your Pancreas?

As most home buyers know, the stress of mortgages often drive people to drink, join street gangs, and practice the occult. But are mortgages also turning your pancreas into a beachball? Probably not, but don’t tell that to the newly released reports that say they are! Pancreas in Peril!! “The pancreas is a dual-functioning gland, […]

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Leave your Newlywed German Bride at the gas station

Every one of my four divorces happened for the exact same reason: marriage is fucking stupid. You go into it thinking that it’s going to be one thing, and then it ends up being a fight to the death at a couple’s pottery class. High-quality sex professionals are the best way to free yourself from […]

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Haddock Profiles: Harley Svalhelsen, Pet Masseuser

It takes a skilled hand, keen eye, and otherworldly sense of being to properly massage a hedgehog. Thankfully, those are all qualities of Harley Svalhelsen, Professionally Licensed and Bonded Pet Massage Therapist. He also enjoys Watercolor! Mr. Svalhelsen has been massaging all types of domestic animals for over twenty-eight years, and he feels great about […]

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Tech Focus: Name your internet Start-up a random almost-word

All companies are looking to make a big impression in their area of business. If that area of business is the internet, you’re going to make millions of dollars. You see how many websites are on this thing? It’s huge! So much profit to be made! But how do you stir up interest on the […]

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Bathroom Encounters: Graham Elwood

I don’t have to explain to you people why I was hanging out in the men’s room of an In-N-Out Burger in Van Nuys, California. I was there, no one was complaining, so that’s that. As I stood in front of the mirror chipping away at the last of my fries and admiring my nose […]

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Haddock Quotables – The Best of Jennifer Lawrence (So Far)

Though the rapper Mike Jones never could have known it at the time, when he penned his verse for T-Pain’s “I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper),” his words were actually describing The Hunger Games‘ dream-weaving female lead Jennifer Lawrence: “she’s every man’s dream; she’s God’s gift to Earth.” Just those lines though. The rest of […]

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