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Haddock Health: Drink Heavily During Pregnancy

It has long been a standing claim by practitioners of western medicine that drinking while pregnant is somehow a bad idea. Thankfully, we know dozens of back-ally pseudo-doctors and faith healers! Haddock Health presents: Drink Your Baby to Term! “Woman should drink alcohol every day of pregnancy. And every day after, and, every day before.” […]

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Atlantic Ocean must reduce Sodium content by 2018

It is common knowledge that the Atlantic Ocean is the saltiest in the world. This Friday, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced that, to make the ocean “safer for both wildlife and humans,” the Atlantic must reduce its sodium content from 3.3% to 2.4% over the next five years. “As the Atlantic is the biggest […]

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Samsung Launches Hadron Collider ‘Tablet’

Experts at Cern were left dumbfounded when they heard the news that Samsung had managed to squeeze 27 km of giant super machine into a device no larger than an iPad and just to add insult to injury, it’s also a phone! In fact the new device dubbed the ‘Higgsphone’ is capable of unravelling the […]

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American Man-Boobs could save the 3rd world

It has been estimated that if the fat from every Moob (Man boob) in America was extracted, frozen, flown to the 3rd world and cooked there would be enough to feed every starving baby they have for ten years! There really is tons of the stuff! There’s enough fat in American man breasts to run […]

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Amateur Scientists Create Higgs-Boson Particle Using the Circle Line

Cern Team Devastated The team at Cern who have spent years and billions of Euros building the Large Hadron Collider are said to be  utterly devastated by news that the elusive Higgs-Boson particle has been created, filmed and interviewed on London’s Circle Line between the stations of Westminster and Embankment. The Higgs-Boson, also known as […]

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Nine of Ten Doctors Surveyed:  “Most patients are whiny and annoying”

A study by NYU medical school reveals that 90% of practicing doctors feel their patients are self obsessed, fussy, and are constantly complaining about aches and pains. “Like this one patient that comes in often. It’s all, ‘my leg hurts, my back hurts, I get chest pain and collapse on the floor, and I’m thinking, […]

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Scientists prove that Neanderthals Performed ‘Middle-Management’ role for Homosapiens!

Neanderthals were big, thick, ugly people with heavy brows and primitive tools…so how come their DNA survived? Homosapiens were cleverer, faster, better looking and more advanced in every way, but they had a hierarchy system very similar to the one we have today, and that had to be managed by people who spend their life […]

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Chimney Sweeps told to Half their Carbon Footprints by 2015

Britain’s chimney sweeps are up in arms today after European environmental laws are forcing them to half the number of carbon footprints they can make in a year. “It’s not easy to clean a chimney without making footprints!” Said Archie Mason who’s been cleaning chimneys since Elizabeth 1st was on the throne. Despite the difficulties […]

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Girth, Wind and Fire: Why Fat People will Inherit the Earth!

Girth Summit! Fat people are meeting up and talking about power! If there was an ice age, the fat people would rule the world because while they could sit there eating themsevles the rest of us would starve to death. It is a curious fact of life that animals like the smell of shit. It […]

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Giant Tampons stop Flooding

Turn a Killer Flood into a Complete Pussy! So you’ve bought that house by the river you always wanted…and now you can’t insure it because of the flood risk! Millions of homes in the UK are in the same situation…some don’t even contain rich bastards! A woman from Leeds may have stumbled upon the solution. […]

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