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Novak Djokovic Eats Live Rottweiler!

Novak Djokovic has celebrated powering his way into the final of this year’s Australian Open by biting the head off a live Rottweiler and eating its heart while it was still beating in his hand. The most frightening man in Tennis, believed by many to be a vampire android, said that he enjoys eating live […]

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Sir Alex Ferguson admits to taking Management-Enhancing drugs

Sir Alex Ferguson is the most successful manager in British football history. He’s won over thirty trophies, he’s battled communism, and he once shared the stage with Sting for a very special rendition of “Fields of Gold.”* His status as a titan of football management may be eternally tarnished however. In a recent interview with […]

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Next Season’s F1 to include: John Deere, Trabant, Dyson, British Leyland and Reliant!

Jensen Button to drive for John Deere All-British Formula 1 hero Jensen Button aims to capitalise on his limited success next year by signing up with another great British team; John Deere. John Deere will be entering F1 for the first time having, up until now, not built a vehicle capable of more than about sixty mph at […]

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Capture the Flag Temporarily Outlawed in Tanzania

The popular schoolyard game capture the flag has been made temporarily illegal in the country of Tanzania, as the nation only has one copy of the flag left at the moment. “We used to have three flags,” explains Tanzania’s foreign affairs minister Bernard K. Membe, “but one was damaged by a coffee pot which exploded, […]

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Lance Armstrong hired to ‘Muscle Up’ the Police with Steroids!

Beef up the Cops! Police are too small, and in the UK at least, they don’t even have guns. Criminals are simply not afraid of them enough to stop committing crimes and the public are fed up with it. Alas technology, advanced as it may well be, can not yet afford us a super cop […]

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Bowling Deemed a Legitimate Sport by Whoever Determines Such Things

  The sport of bowling got an unanticipated (yet entirely appreciated) validation today by whatever organization it is that decides what is and is not actually a sport. The intentionally anonymous and completely unnecessary organizational body which governs the legitimacy of group sporting determined today that, indeed, the act of launching a large resin-infused plastic […]

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Lebron James to Purchase Middle Eastern Country

  Thursday, superstar baller Lebron James has announced that he’s planning on purchasing an entire country in the middle east. “I haven’t decided whether to call it Lebronanon, Lebabron, or Three-Pointer From Downtown on that Bitch Ass-istan,” claims James. According to James’ representation, the country will evacuate 80% of existing residents, making way for Lebron’s […]

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IOC Bans Athletes from Drinking Monkey Urine as a Performance Enhancer

Monkey urine, known to contain the yellowish substance ‘Pure Evil’ has been officially banned in the run up to the 2012 Olympics. Several athletes have already been given suspended sentences after being found in possession of Gibbon and Chimp wee. When injected into the lymph glands under the arms the urine quickly gives the user […]

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The Haddock’s Guide to Understanding and Appreciating NASCAR

  Dear rest of the world, As an American, it is well-understood that most of you really hate my country. You consider us rude and obnoxious cretins who whip our dicks out at inappropriate times and use those dicks to piss on yourcountry (whichever one it may be, because we don’t care). In short, we’re […]

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Dwight Howard too busy playing dominoes to finalize trade agreement

  NBA superstar and soon-to-be Orlando deserter Dwight Howard has been the center of a very public rigamarole regarding his future career ambitions. Dozens of teams made their interest in Howard abundantly clear, leading to a corporate tet-a-tet-a-tet-a-tet the likes of which can only be deciphered by Garry Kasparov. This is a snippet of the […]

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