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Bernie Sanders: “Guacamole is a basic human right”

Bernie Sanders: “Guacamole is a basic human right”

Guac the Vote! Senator Benie Sanders has vowed that if elected president, he will push for comprehensive guacamole reform within the Mexican food service industry. “It is unacceptable that the wealthiest one percent of people in this country have access to ninety-nine percent of the nations avocado-based chip dip,” Sanders remarked on Monday. “Every able-bodied […]

Get Surgery to make you American! Trump tells Immigrants.

Donald Trump said today that altering their features surgically would turn Immigrants into good God-fearing Americans thus solving lots of problems and saving the money that would have been spent on the Mexican Wall. The idea is to surgically make everyone the same, and therefore do away with the concept of anything being international at […]

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Female guard fails Prison Break reenactment; doesn’t look enough like Sarah Wayne Callies

Prison Breaking News! New information has surfaced regarding the motives of Joyce Mitchell, the female corrections officer suspected of aiding in the escape of two convicted murderers in New York state. Mitchell has confirmed that just after the sexual relations and having her husband killed, her primary motivation for conspiring with the men was an […]

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Congress considers bill to feed the Homeless to Wolves

For years, there have been people all over the world that live without homes. They are often referred to as “homeless.” Some people think that the homeless should be helped, fed, clothed, and tickled by the more fortunate of society. Others believe that they should be fed to wolves. A recently proposed bill will see […]

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Kermit the Frog and the denial of Rainbow Science

On Tuesday, the Institute for Advanced Wetness Studies published a report detailing what some academics are calling “the most important scientific discovery of last Tuesday.” Finally, after thousands of years of mysticism, faith, and superstition, mankind now knows how Rainbows work. According to the study: “Rainbows are a natural phenomena resulting from the refraction and […]

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Feminist’s Vagina shocks: “Penises deserve the gas chamber!”

A radical feminist’s vagina has raised eyebrows over a series of tweets it sent out last Friday voicing its somewhat extreme feelings towards the sex organs of men. Betty, the vagina of feminist blogger Anna Schmundilech, went on a 38-tweet tirade which spanned many subjects; most notably, a passage about penises being “violent sexual anarchists” […]

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Al-Qaeda asks ISIS to stop taking credit for their Attacks

On Monday, a pair of puss-filled fuck-canals in Texas tried to shoot some people for drawing pictures they didn’t like. Unlike a similar assault in France earlier this year, these consummate turd swallowers were unable to meet their objective. They managed to shoot a dude in the leg. That is the equivalent of a mosquito […]

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Donald Trump: “I don’t believe anyone was born in the United States”

After a long, meaningless pursuit of president Barack Obama’s birth certificate, Donald Trump dunked his head in Elmer’s glue. He then rolled around in a dog kennel, and went to John Boehner’s tanning salon. After that he had a ate lobster from the asshole of a Greek god, and somehow managed to sire one of […]

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FAA: Overweight pilots will require two cockpits

We’ve all heard the stories in the past regarding overweight airline passengers being required to purchase two seats when flying commercially. The most notorious instance of this being the obese man who was forced to saw himself in half when his two seats were not side-by-side. Oddly enough, he ended up storing his waist-down in […]

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Bubonic Plague claims 37 during Black Friday Sale in Pittsburgh

Though the Bubonic Plague has been ravaging parts of Madagascar, guess who doesn’t give a shit? You! Why? BECAUSE IT’S BLACK FRIDAY!! BLACK MOTHERFUCKIN’ FRIDAY AAAHHHHH!!! Buy a TV! Buy a toaster! Buy a six toasters! Buy some semblance of a life worth living! Buy VIP living quarters in the FEMA camps while a secret […]

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