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SpaceX appeals for more Dynamite

Having aborted their highly publicised launch of ‘Dragon’ the first privately operated rocket which was supposed to drop off some equipment (including more sandwiches, a pencil sharpener and a box of sanitary towels) to the ISS, the SpaceX team are appealing for more Dynamite. Although Dynamite is an explosive usually associated with Mexican bank robbers and Mississippi fishing […]

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Stupid Shit Overheard at House Party

If you’re a follower of The Haddock twitter feed (which you should be, if you value being malaria-free) you’ll recall that Senior Correspondent Thinker St. James had the misfortune of being stuck at a terrible house party last night. Here are the ten most idiotic utterances overheard at that gathering. While reading, please keep in […]

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Houses would cost less if they were Cheaper!

  A recent study by financial experts working on behalf of the private sector have concluded that houses would be far more affordable if they didn’t cost so much. In the current economic climate, assuming that you live a normal life on a normal wage,  the only way to buy house of is if it comes […]

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Pressing the Facebook ‘Like’ Button Gives You Orgasms!

Baron Haddock Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook announced a technological breakthrough today. As of 11am GMT this morning, pressing the Facebook Like Button on certain articles will result in the presser achieving partial or even full orgasm. Representatives of Facebook would like to point out that this gimmick is in no way linked to the fact […]

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Jesus Returns, Republicans Crucify Him for Offering Free Healthcare

The world was shocked when the light was seen in the night sky. Many had wondered if it was a meteor or an effect from the recent Supermoon. However, neither were true as the light that fell from the sky and landed on earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself. The Christian leader landed […]

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Chinese Billionaire buys collection of US Presidential Nail Clippings

Josephine Bentley, who’s job it has been to clean the presidential bathroom for over sixty years is sitting on a fortune tonight having auctioned off her pride and joy; a collection of meticulously labeled and cataloged finger and toenails from no less than eleven American Presidents. Beginning with a particularly gruesome looking hangnail belonging to Harry S. […]

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Boy Scout Movement earn Paedo-Bashing Badge

Groups of boy-scouts and girl-guides are roaming the streets in packs armed with Swiss army knives and woggles in search of kiddie fiddlers to hospitalise. They’re trying to earn themselves the latest must have badge: ‘The Paedo-Bashing Badge’. IT nerd scouts and cubs are using their computer skills to hack into the register and locate the freaks and […]

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Terrorists MUST eat Turd!

Revolutionary new Interrogation technique “Turd of Mouth!” How do you deter terrorists and stop them doing their bad bad things? This is a question which has plagued governments throughout the ‘war on terror’. Waterboarding? Thumb screws? Endless repeats of Friends? No matter how draconian the measures used, terrorism continues because their jailers have not yet […]

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Budget ‘Assisted Suicide’ Clinic makes Death Affordable for Everyone!

It seems nothing is sacred these days, not even assisted suicide.  One un-named Serial entrepreneur claims his new budget assisted suicide service will make death more accessible to the masses. “We put the YOU into euthanasia!” He announced confidently. Two Haddock reporters were given exclusive access to the new program, they have since been replaced and […]

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Facebook Discourages ‘Going Outside and Meeting Real People!’

Facebook are pushing hard to stop people socialising in what they see as an old-fashioned and potentially hazardous manner ie.  physically meeting people in the real not virtual world Quite apart from the potentially damaging effects it has on the use of their product they claim that interaction via Facebook is ultimately more rewarding than the real thing. “If […]

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