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Donald Trump: “I don’t believe anyone was born in the United States”

After a long, meaningless pursuit of president Barack Obama’s birth certificate, Donald Trump dunked his head in Elmer’s glue. He then rolled around in a dog kennel, and went to John Boehner’s tanning salon. After that he had a ate lobster from the asshole of a Greek god, and somehow managed to sire one of […]

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FAA: Overweight pilots will require two cockpits

We’ve all heard the stories in the past regarding overweight airline passengers being required to purchase two seats when flying commercially. The most notorious instance of this being the obese man who was forced to saw himself in half when his two seats were not side-by-side. Oddly enough, he ended up storing his waist-down in […]

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Bubonic Plague claims 37 during Black Friday Sale in Pittsburgh

Though the Bubonic Plague has been ravaging parts of Madagascar, guess who doesn’t give a shit? You! Why? BECAUSE IT’S BLACK FRIDAY!! BLACK MOTHERFUCKIN’ FRIDAY AAAHHHHH!!! Buy a TV! Buy a toaster! Buy a six toasters! Buy some semblance of a life worth living! Buy VIP living quarters in the FEMA camps while a secret […]

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God takes away Scott Stapp’s money because Creed sucks ass

In a beautiful display of divine retribution, the good lord has taken away every penny from Creed frontman Scott Stapp. The singer’s band had several chart-topping hits, but apparently god was not a fan, and like the sneaky bastard he is, waited almost ten years before recouping Stapp’s personal savings. “I know a lot of […]

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Cat charged with Human Violence after beating Owner

A calico cat has been taken into police custody and charged with crimes against humanity. Or specifically crimes against one human, who happens to be its owner. The cat is suspected of having gotten drunk on Cisco Strawberry. After several failed attempts at courting other cats of the neighborhood into sexual relations, the animal became […]

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Mass Cake-Baking demonstrations in Ferguson following Grand Jury ruling

LATE BREAKING – A Grand Jury has ruled that the police officer who shot unarmed teenager Mike Brown in Ferguson, Missouri will not face any criminal charges. Yet another spectacular victory for the population’s majority that believe law enforcement officers are not subject to the laws which they enforce. In a unified show of peaceful […]

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WWE Repossesses Kamala’s legs

Former professional wrestler Kamala has fallen on hard times as of the last 20 years. This is mainly due to the fact that he is a kind, well-meaning person, or as they are known in the wrestling world, “Vince McMahon Crudités.” Kamala has wrestled some of the most well-known and highest-paid performers in the industry. […]

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Harrison Ford’s injury on Star Wars set prompts stricter Spacecraft regulations

Yesterday actor Harrison Ford was injured on the set of Star Wars Episode VII. The injury was due to a malfunctioning door hatch on his ship the Millennium Falcon, and also because he is quite old. Ford was airlifted to an area hospital, even though that hospital was within walking distance. Most medical experts believe […]

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Bryan Singer’s parties are now “very, very boring”

Bryan Singer has been accused of some very serious boy-touching, stemming from incidents at his infamous Hollywood pool parties. Sex, drugs and Depeche Mode were the order of the day. A marketing executive once swung from a chandelier through a window and into the pool carrying two young men on his back. Today, not so […]

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Joe Biden denies Dolphin support to Ukraine

The US Navy has been deployed to the Black Sea in order to aid Ukraine against Russian attack. However, the US Government will not lend use of it’s Elite Dolphin Attack Force, as they are the best friends of Vice President Joe Biden. “The Vice President has made it clear that our assistance to the […]

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