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What a Relief! A Blow-Job Computer!

Pro-Marriage Lobby warn against Blow-Job Computer! Advocates of the sanctity of marriage have given the strongest indication yet that they may well resort to violence if plans to release a computer that can perform blow jobs go ahead. Nebraska based ‘Gobble Computers’ have developed a machine capable of simulating the act of mouth love, traditionally […]

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StarWars VII to be filmed on Mars!

Due to a spat between JJ Abrahams and some other people whom he doesn’t like, the entire production, crew, actors, rubber things and canteen will be flown to Mars this January. Mars has much to offer those making space films because it is in space and that should save money (most of which will be […]

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Miley Cyrus fans ‘Do not’ want to have sex with her!

20 year old Miley Cyrus is not attractive and people only like her because she’s a huge feminist and her songs are great (according to one highly dubious source) Cyrus, who’s albums went to number 1 in the UK and US has suggested that walking around with a spliff in her hand and nothing more […]

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Pregnant Baseball players must give birth On-field

Take Me Out At The Ballgame! Last Monday, Major League Baseball player Daniel Murphy of the New York Mets went into labor and gave birth to his first child. Naturally, once Murphy’s water broke, he was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital and placed on automatic paternity leave. This led to some critics voicing disagreement […]

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Grilled Cheese Sandwich to run for Mayor of Austin, Texas

Hot off the Panini Press! With the Supreme Court’s recent ruling that all people have the right to spend an unlimited amount of money on political campaign contributions, one man has ceased the opportunity to enact legitimate change in his community. That man is Gerald Kindler: a multimillionaire, and newly appointed Chief of Staff for […]

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Fred Phelps said to be picketing at the Gates of Heaven

Fred Phelps, the funeral-picketing visionary of anti-homosexual bigotry in America, has passed into the afterlife. Sadly for him, there seem to be a ton of gay people there. As such, Phelps has set himself up on a little tuft of clouds besides Heaven’s gates where he is screaming at people on the entrance queue and […]

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Holographic Randy Savage to host Cooking series

A&E confirms! The Savage Garden, a cooking show hosted by a hologram of deceased professional wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage, has been greenlit for 14 episodes. With hologram technology improving exponentially, it was only a matter of time before Randy Savage would be resurrected and given a television program doing the one thing he truly […]

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Kansas doctor looks to the bright side of Gunshot wounds

“Not all gunshot injuries are fatal. In fact, sometimes they’re down-right hilarious!” This is the position of Dr. Milton Wolf, a Kansas radiologist who is known as “the Patch Adams of firearm trauma.” Dr. Wolf is known for his playful approach to treating patients with bullet holes in them. “For instance, where you see an […]

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Katy Perry summons Cthulhu at Grammy Awards

Squidface Killah! Katy Perry’s performance of her song “Dark Horse” at last night’s Grammy Awards inadvertently summoned the otherworldly spectre of doom known as Cthulhu. The singer had been trying to get Satan himself, but could not secure his appearance due to union rules. Cthulhu entered through the venue’s ceiling, and cried out a sound […]

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Angry Birds begin bombardment of NSA HQ

Enough is enough, the Angry Birds have taken the fight back to the NSA. News that the NSA have been hacking into the program and collecting the personal data of various birds and gamers proved too much for the wingless Finnish stars. The NSA team was believed to be searching for information pertaining to a […]

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