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US Army Major relieved of position due to embarrassing Fist-bump

US Major General Michael Carey went to Russia, got hammered, bothered everyone, and attempted to stuff his balls into an oboe. For all intents and purposes, a stellar representation of America’s foreign policy. Carey’s dignified position would soon be jeopardized however, due to a faux pas that, under certain interpretations of the Constitution, is tantamount […]

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LGBT water fowl refuse to answer Duck Dynasty duck calls!

Quack this, cross-clutcher! Gay ducks everywhere are expressing outrage over the recent rant by Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson in an interview with GQ Magazine. In the interview, Phil claimed that “the bible expressly forbids gays in the executive suite jacuzzi of our heavenly father,” and that “homosexual sex is no different than finger-banging a donkey.” […]

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Juggalos organize a fancy Dinner Party

Times have become tough for the Insane Clown Posse: album sales have dropped, the price of greasepaint has risen. But perhaps worst of all for the rapping circus duo is that fans of the group (known as juggalos) were recently declared to be a “loosely organized hybrid gang” by the FBI. This aggression will not […]

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Blue Ivy Carter and North West to collaborate on “Watch the Crib”

To prove that their offspring are indeed the products of super-humans, the respective newborns of Jay-Z and Kanye West will be collaborating on a record slated for release next summer. The album will be appropriately titled Watch the Crib, though I’ve Been on Wikipedia Since Conception was a close (and accurate) second choice. At 2 […]

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Coca Cola to sue Polar Bear who claims Santa ‘touched’ him as a cub!

Coca Cola, who rely upon Santa to sell their drink at a time of year when nobody wants a cold drink, are assembling a crack legal team to refute claims that Santa abused pre-consensual polar bears in the 1970’s! The North pole has been rocked by the story which broke last night when the bear […]

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Ghosts of Thanksgiving turkeys return to haunt Americans

Yesterday, Americans took time to reflect on the things they value most in life: insatiable gluttony, murdering Indians, and a version of football where the foot is used for about 15% of the competition. As is tradition, thousands of turkeys met their demise in order to satisfy the notorious Yankee appetite. This year however, those […]

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Ted Turner will prove God exists by “donkey punching him in the afterlife”

Ted Turner is the maverick entrepreneur who will put his size 16’s through the pearly gates and read Marilyn Manson’s autobiography aloud while making the one true God suck his cock on the backs of angels. If you don’t believe this to be true, obviously you don’t know Ted Turner very well. He’s wrestled yaks. […]

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Richie Incognito ordered to undergo balloon therapy

Bullying is real. Carpeting is real. Fake flowers are real, insomuch as that they exist. Schrödinger flowers both exist and don’t exist at the same time. Bullying hurts. If you’re a bully, you’re an asshole. This goes double for people who are paid an exorbitant amount of money to run around and jump on each […]

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For 8 minutes, Healthcare.gov sold car insurance

Since its launch, Healthcare.gov has had problems. Many of those involve the fact that health care (as in “Healthcare”) was not being properly administered (as in “.gov”). Solution? As Don Draper would say: change the conversation. So for 8 minutes yesterday, Healthcare.gov decided to sell car insurance. Apparently the glitch occurred when an IT contractor […]

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Apple unveils new iPad Frisbee

Since the death of Apple’s visionary leader (now “spirit animal”) Steve Jobs, the world has watched intently, wondering if the company’s new minds could equal such levels of innovation. The answer to that question has arrived. Toss technology to the wind! Last Monday, Apple announced the iPad Frisbee: the world’s first aerodynamic smart tablet phone […]

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