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Hyper-developed newborn sues mother over the condition of her uterus

Hyper-developed newborn sues mother over the condition of her uterus

“If it were an option, I would’ve opted for a 6-month contract.” This is part of the testimony of Alice Portnoy, a freakishly advanced newly born toddler in Allentown, Pennsylvania who is suing her mother due to what court documents refer to as “unacceptable in utero maintenance and upkeep.” “The place was just filthy,” claims […]

Drinking Athlete’s Piss causes weight loss!

‘Subjects forced to drink a glass of athlete’s piss before each meal demonstrated a significant drop in calorific intake as a result and therefore lost weight.’ Said Dr David Wilkes of the Utah dietary research unit at a press conference yesterday. It has long been surmised that athlete’s urine keeps working once they have finished […]

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History is Destroying the World – it must be Stopped!

History is destroying the world A recent study has shown that there is now more history in the world than ever before. Whilst the levels of pre-history have remained constant its younger cousin continues to grow exponentially. Up until recently history was thought to be fairly harmless to the environment…but things are changing. One of […]

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UK social services steal children to engineer into TED Talks presenters

A pregnant Italian lady recently had her baby extracted from her womb by the British government. For free! Become sedated pregnant, wake up ready for beach season. What a lucky lass she is. The official report by social service agents is that the child was removed from it’s mother because the state raises children better […]

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Mexico becomes world’s largest exporter of Teenage Assassins

Teenage Wasteland! In Mexico, where death is common, it is fairly regular to see young people with fully automatic weapons killing at the hands of druglords. But is it right to ship these still-developing kill machines to other countries? The answer may not be yes, but fuck if that isn’t what’s happening anyway. What all […]

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Wereballs: Shedding Light on Testicular Lycanthropy

GROWLERSMOUTH , MASSACHUSETTS (USA) – “The worst part about a full moon, for me, is the Testicular Lycanthropy.” Harlan Gregor laments his most unfortunate and currently incurable condition whilst staring into his cup of tea. Contracted at the Up With People High Fiver’s Fellowship for College Freshman, the 20-year-old man remembers vividly the events that […]

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The ‘League of Dick Shaped Islands’ welcomes its Newest Member!

The League of Dick Shaped Islands (LDSI), a body who represent the inhabitants of all tracts of land surrounded by water that resemble male genitalia, are proud to welcome their newest member Bering Island a small lonely island in the Bering Sea. Bering Island is 56 miles long, 15 miles wide and is shaped like […]

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Geologists Say Scottish Independence is Unlikely

In order to allow Scotland to separate fully from England an earthquake of unparalleled magnitude would be required. Despite his considerable size, even if you were to drop Alex Salmond from the edge of the atmosphere and he collided exactly with the border it would only provide 17%  of the fifty million kilotons of energy required to divide the […]

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Top Scientist: ‘Death Cures all Diseases!’

Yes, as scientists have long suspected death is the universal cure for all ailments! No matter how exotic your condition, death will put an end to it! Even cancer cannot survive death…it has needs too! Doctors and researchers all over the world are very excited about this idea, but admit that there are certain barriers […]

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Anger as a Catholic Church and choir is randomly fired into Space!

As you read this article, Planet Earth is being orbited by St.Joseph’s Catholic Church (Formerly of Hartlepool). How did it get there? The police don’t know the answer to that question but they are conducting door to door enquiries and have asked anyone who saw anything suspicious, no matter how trivial to come forward. They […]

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