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Kim Kardashian ‘Broke’ the Wank Bank!

Kim Kardashian ‘Broke’ the Wank Bank!

The Interwet! The universal wank bank or ‘Interwet’ closed its doors to new fantasies last week for two days following the publication of Kim Kardashian’s nude photos. Several large organisations also closed due to freak masturbation evacuation events during which thousands of men and women sneakily got up their desks and headed to the bathrooms […]

There is no need for Angry Birds Roleplaying!

Look, I get it intellectually: Rule 34, if it exists there’s porn of it, all that ottershit. But I am willing to put my foot down for the betterment of all living beings on this planet to make one thing very clear: Angry Birds Roleplay/Cosplay/Sexual Horseplay is simply not needed by anyone! Observe these two […]

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Stop Inserting My Cleaning Supplies!

Look, I get it. We humans are sexually perverse individuals, we like kinky shit, yadda yadda yadda. None of this equals up to me being okay with you sticking my bottle of Windex up your ass. I understand the titillation attached to the idea of a sexy maid: young, nubile, foreign and subservient. I love […]

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Virtue of the Fish Monger – A Screenplay by Bernard Floater

INT. PATRUSHSKI’S OF THE FISHERY – FRONT ROOM – DAY ANNA is a gorgeous punk rocker who thinks she knows a thing or two about a thing or two. She walks through the shop’s front door, apron under arm, cautiously eying the hanging codfish dangling about in front of her face. Raising from behind the […]

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Make sure that fucking door is closed, you horrible person

Your cat should never have to look into your eyes as you orgasm. As such, that god damn bathroom door better be closed completely. It’s already bad enough that you let that fucking thing roam around freely while you consume copious amounts of shemale porn. In the back of your mind you know that your […]

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Spit Lubing and Morning Breath: An Impassioned Warning

I don’t know how much you enjoy masturbating. Some people like it a great deal, and don’t feel that their lack of actual sex says anything about them as a person. Some people feel the opposite, and would shag a marmot just to feel alive. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Some of […]

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Hats Off, Ms. Kittyfuck!

Hats Off, Ms. Kittyfuck!

Who told these women that hats were okay? Which colossal genius behind the camera saw a perfect 10 of a woman sunbathing naked in the backyard of a ridiculously expensive mansion and yelled “cut! Somebody get a floppy sun hat on that woman immediately! You’re thinking more your friends and neighbors I’m thinking more fried […]

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