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Woman Rapes Cat Sprayed with Lynx Deodorant

Woman Rapes Cat Sprayed with Lynx Deodorant

‘I just don’t know what came over me!’ is most likely what the cat would have said if cats could speak. Barry, a Persian cat from Hove is recovering in hospital today after being sexually assaulted by a woman. The woman, who will remain nameless, is helping police with their inquiries but is not expected to face […]

Child bearing has a Diversity Problem

Babies. Nobody likes them, but they’re necessary. Though we’ve conquered many of our natural instincts, propagating our horrible species persists, and as such, people continue to pump out smaller people with tiny fingers and toes that don’t know how to talk and smell funny. But in this day and age, where equality is important for […]

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Political Correctness responsible for UKIP

Political Correctness has admitted today (stood outside his London home) that he is ultimately responsible for the rise of UKIP. UKIP (a collective celebrating the stuff that drunk people say but regret the next day) was born the night after a party thrown for Mr Correctness in a Chelsea Loft during the early 1990’s. ‘The […]

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Ann Summers ISIS lingerie a big hit in Iraq

Some people think that military force is the only way to stop terrorism. Others believe that, with enough frilly lace, you can do it with bras and panties. With the release of Ann Summers’ new line of ISIS lingerie, the company hoped it’s sexy-yet-mature designs would usher in an end to the tragic conflicts plaguing […]

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VIBADGER – Badgers on Viagra to fight back against the cull!

Badgers on Viagra! Wildlife campaigners have been giving badgers Viagra pills to help them remain erect longer and do more shagging, in this way they are expected to make more badgers to replace those killed in the (Bovine TB) cull. The animals, who are unused to being erect for long periods of time have had […]

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David Moyes to replace Nick Clegg

David Moyes doesn’t understand politics – Perfect! David Moyes has been kicked out of Manchester United because he apparently doesn’t understand his job, Nick Clegg is still leader of the Liberal Democrats despite being in exactly the same predicament. Vince Cable has hit upon a plan to gently removed the confused little imp from power […]

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Curry worries due to Lamb Scam!

Much like the beef which sneaked in meat from the namesake animals with horseshoed feet, now worries abound for the curries in town and the drab kebabs we’re guzzling down. For a devious scam, this time with lamb, shows that the meat is replete with alternate meats which are cheap. Vile Deceit from the Shop-Owning […]

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Spain Bombarded by Immigrants fired from Medieval Siege Engines!

Illegal Immigration by Siege Engines Spanish Immigration officials are congregating in the tiny Spanish town of Tarifa at the country’s most southerly point holding blankets. Why are they standing on the beach holding blankets? They’re catching illegal immigrants. However, the blankets are not to warm up brave swimmers who have managed to paddle their way […]

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Drinking Athlete’s Piss causes weight loss!

‘Subjects forced to drink a glass of athlete’s piss before each meal demonstrated a significant drop in calorific intake as a result and therefore lost weight.’ Said Dr David Wilkes of the Utah dietary research unit at a press conference yesterday. It has long been surmised that athlete’s urine keeps working once they have finished […]

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UK social services steal children to engineer into TED Talks presenters

A pregnant Italian lady recently had her baby extracted from her womb by the British government. For free! Become sedated pregnant, wake up ready for beach season. What a lucky lass she is. The official report by social service agents is that the child was removed from it’s mother because the state raises children better […]

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