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UK social services steal children to engineer into TED Talks presenters

A pregnant Italian lady recently had her baby extracted from her womb by the British government. For free! Become sedated pregnant, wake up ready for beach season. What a lucky lass she is. The official report by social service agents is that the child was removed from it’s mother because the state raises children better […]

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Geologists Say Scottish Independence is Unlikely

In order to allow Scotland to separate fully from England an earthquake of unparalleled magnitude would be required. Despite his considerable size, even if you were to drop Alex Salmond from the edge of the atmosphere and he collided exactly with the border it would only provide 17%  of the fifty million kilotons of energy required to divide the […]

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Anger as Catholic Church fired into Space!

As you read this article, Planet Earth is being orbited by St.Joseph’s Catholic Church (Formerly of Hartlepool). How did it get there? The police don’t know the answer to that question but they are conducting door to door enquiries and have asked anyone who saw anything suspicious, no matter how trivial to come forward. They […]

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Doctor Who is sent back to the 1970’s to collar celebrity sex offenders!

Doctor who is going back to the 70’s to kick some celebrity paedo ass! Yep, the BBC’s own swash buckling pseudo insane time-traveller is going to put right some serious wrongs and try to make us all feel a little better having been duped into believing that sexual predators are entertaining. Using his sonic screwdriver […]

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UK Pop Stars discover battle rap

James Arthur: Serious Rapper, mate. England is a place known for many things: Buckingham palace, pasty, television, and greyness are just a few. But to thousands of hip-hop loving basement-dwellers, it is also known for its long history of high-quality battle rap circuits, the largest and longest-running organization being Don’t Flop. Recently, a rapper from […]

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Roy Hodgson to experiment with Crack!

England manger Roy Hodgson has been experimenting with his team, but  having failed dismally he’s on course to experiment with hard drugs. Having watched, with interest, the progress of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Mr Hodgson is said to be impressed  by his tactics. Ford who, with the possible exception of Silvio Berlusconi, is the most […]

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Candy Crush is ‘reasonable’ grounds for Divorce!

You can divorce your wife for playing Candy Crush on her phone! That was the ruling at a landmark hearing today in London. Brian Paisley has been given leave to divorce his wife on the grounds that the popular mobile phone game has come between them and made the relationship untenable. ‘We used to argue, […]

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STDs and tobacco use are leading causes of Death for fast-living Honeybees

It’s an unspoken rule of the insect world: bees love to party. They love swarming about, getting shitfaced, spewing honey and dropping their pants in public for on-lookers with smart phones. The truest of cheeky animal bastards, bees are. Unfortunately, all that fast and hard living in the Honeybee community has yielded terrible results. STDs. […]

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Scientists Successfully Clown a Sheep!

They said it wasn’t possible to turn a farm animal into a circus entertainer but they were wrong. The dissenters will be forced to eat their words, just like the guy who said that Delorean had poor build quality and that democracy wouldn’t work in Afghanistan! Bozo the sheep is the first of a new generation […]

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Road Bridge built from Spider Silk collapses under the weight of Flies

Plans to build a road bridge from spider silk ran into problems today after the structure collapsed under the weight of ten billion flying insects. Using the theory that spider silk is one of the strongest substances on Earth the team attempted to build a bridge across the River Seven in Somerset using the material. […]

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