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Loch Ness Monster blasts Amazon: “allow my Erotic Fiction!”

Following an article on The Kernel exposing the sick, depraved underbelly of free expression, Amazon.com and other sellers of literature took a page out of Fahrenheit 451 and set fire to portions of their erotic fiction sections. Among those affected by the purification was the genre of Cryptozoological Erotica. In a matter of moments, Bigfoot, […]

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F1’s Max Mosley wins Amateur AVN Award for Nazi Sex Orgy

He’s old, he likes fast cars, he speaks perfect German, and apparently his dick still works. Max Mosley: Englishman with attitude. Another thing the former Formula 1 chief can add to his list of accolades is an Amateur Adult Video Network (AVN) Award for his leading role in Nazi Sex Orgy (2008), a film he […]

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Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulsen both had love affairs with the NSA

Mr. & Mrs. Spy Go to Washington! …and Spread! In open court, former News of the World editors Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulsen sat quietly for a public recounting of their dull, squarely uninteresting six-year extramarital affair. It is the closest thing to a sex tape to have been produced in the UK since Tulisa […]

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Cleaning your cat’s litter box does not make you an Archeologist

The Living History Foundation has issued a statement regarding the recent increase in cat owners claiming to be archeologists: “You’re not. Stop that.” All cat owners know that the greatest joy in caring for a feline is cleaning up after their bowel movements. Children wake with excitement of Christmas morning, knowing that they will be […]

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CCTV Cameras to be given Directors

From Monday all CCTV cameras in London will have a short fat man behind them wearing a beret and jodhpurs, he will most likely be shouting! so don’t be surprised to hear the phrase ‘Cut, oh for Christ’s sake Lionel!’ as you cross the road or walk down the pavement. In addition to this change, […]

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Blofeld offers ‘Amusing Deaths’ for Cats

Bloefeld will allow your cat to go out in style Having retired from Spectre after being unceremoniously dumped down a chimney by James Bond (he was rescued by Fred Dibnah) Ernst Stavro Bloefeld has decided to cash in on his one undoubted talent for inventing amusing deaths and turn it into a chain of shops specialising in […]

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Diplo-Dockers! Container Port Attacked by Dinosaurs!

Felixstowe container port in Suffolk, currently ranked as the 35th largest in the world, has been attacked by dinosaurs.  Police attended the site in the early hours of the morning after reports of a disturbance involving gigantic prehistoric lizards. Initially believing the call to be a hoax they sent Bob Farley, Suffolk’s oldest policeman. Bob was eaten at 3.15am (according […]

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Celebrity chef Bobby Flay apologizes for barbequing the Queen’s swan!

Flay cooks the Queen’s goose! In a bizarre turn of events, it turns out that American celebrity chef Bobby Flay is behind the recent barbeque smoking of one of the Queen’s beloved mute swans. The Food Network star was on holiday near Windsor when he spotted the unmarked mute swan. He decided to apply his […]

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Arsene Wenger: “Haircare takes precedence over acquiring star players”

Arsenal FC’s manager Arsene Wenger has a number of problems that extend far past the loving bad bitches. One of them is his decision to forgo recruiting star players in favor of expanding the team’s haircare and styling faculties. Also he has been photographed dangling carrots in front of Yohan Cabaye’s face, but seems consensual […]

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Sherpas called in to scale The Shard for no reason

Tall buildings with odd shapes are standard staples in the first world. They say “hey, look at what this country can do!” and “suck it, Dubai!” With things going relatively well in England, David Cameron has commissioned a scaling of Europe’s largest hunk of architecture, The Shard. Approximately £500,000 worth of commissioned, in the form […]

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