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Roy Hodgson to experiment with Crack!

England manger Roy Hodgson has been experimenting with his team, but  having failed dismally he’s on course to experiment with hard drugs. Having watched, with interest, the progress of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Mr Hodgson is said to be impressed  by his tactics. Ford who, with the possible exception of Silvio Berlusconi, is the most […]

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Candy Crush is ‘reasonable’ grounds for Divorce!

You can divorce your wife for playing Candy Crush on her phone! That was the ruling at a landmark hearing today in London. Brian Paisley has been given leave to divorce his wife on the grounds that the popular mobile phone game has come between them and made the relationship untenable. ‘We used to argue, […]

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STDs and tobacco use are leading causes of Death for fast-living Honeybees

It’s an unspoken rule of the insect world: bees love to party. They love swarming about, getting shitfaced, spewing honey and dropping their pants in public for on-lookers with smart phones. The truest of cheeky animal bastards, bees are. Unfortunately, all that fast and hard living in the Honeybee community has yielded terrible results. STDs. […]

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Scientists Successfully Clown a Sheep!

They said it wasn’t possible to turn a farm animal into a circus entertainer but they were wrong. The dissenters will be forced to eat their words, just like the guy who said that Delorean had poor build quality and that democracy wouldn’t work in Afghanistan! Bozo the sheep is the first of a new generation […]

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Road Bridge built from Spider Silk collapses under the weight of Flies

Plans to build a road bridge from spider silk ran into problems today after the structure collapsed under the weight of ten billion flying insects. Using the theory that spider silk is one of the strongest substances on Earth the team attempted to build a bridge across the River Seven in Somerset using the material. […]

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Loch Ness Monster blasts Amazon: “allow my Erotic Fiction!”

Following an article on The Kernel exposing the sick, depraved underbelly of free expression, Amazon.com and other sellers of literature took a page out of Fahrenheit 451 and set fire to portions of their erotic fiction sections. Among those affected by the purification was the genre of Cryptozoological Erotica. In a matter of moments, Bigfoot, […]

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F1’s Max Mosley wins Amateur AVN Award for Nazi Sex Orgy

He’s old, he likes fast cars, he speaks perfect German, and apparently his dick still works. Max Mosley: Englishman with attitude. Another thing the former Formula 1 chief can add to his list of accolades is an Amateur Adult Video Network (AVN) Award for his leading role in Nazi Sex Orgy (2008), a film he […]

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Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulsen both had love affairs with the NSA

Mr. & Mrs. Spy Go to Washington! …and Spread! In open court, former News of the World editors Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulsen sat quietly for a public recounting of their dull, squarely uninteresting six-year extramarital affair. It is the closest thing to a sex tape to have been produced in the UK since Tulisa […]

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Cleaning your cat’s litter box does not make you an Archeologist

The Living History Foundation has issued a statement regarding the recent increase in cat owners claiming to be archeologists: “You’re not. Stop that.” All cat owners know that the greatest joy in caring for a feline is cleaning up after their bowel movements. Children wake with excitement of Christmas morning, knowing that they will be […]

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CCTV Cameras to be given Directors

From Monday all CCTV cameras in London will have a short fat man behind them wearing a beret and jodhpurs, he will most likely be shouting! so don’t be surprised to hear the phrase ‘Cut, oh for Christ’s sake Lionel!’ as you cross the road or walk down the pavement. In addition to this change, […]

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