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Bacteria are Shit and they know we can’t see them!

Bacteria are a bit shit! Scientists announced today that bacteria are aware that we cannot see them and this is why they are both badly behaved and ugly. Larger animals know we are judging them and try not to behave too badly when we’re around but for bacteria and other single celled organisms it’s just […]

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Mexico becomes world’s largest exporter of Teenage Assassins

Teenage Wasteland! In Mexico, where death is common, it is fairly regular to see young people with fully automatic weapons killing at the hands of druglords. But is it right to ship these still-developing kill machines to other countries? The answer may not be yes, but fuck if that isn’t what’s happening anyway. What all […]

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The ‘League of Dick Shaped Islands’ welcomes its Newest Member!

The League of Dick Shaped Islands (LDSI), a body who represent the inhabitants of all tracts of land surrounded by water that resemble male genitalia, are proud to welcome their newest member Bering Island a small lonely island in the Bering Sea. Bering Island is 56 miles long, 15 miles wide and is shaped like […]

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Top Scientist: ‘Death Cures all Diseases!’

Yes, as scientists have long suspected death is the universal cure for all ailments! No matter how exotic your condition, death will put an end to it! Even cancer cannot survive death…it has needs too! Doctors and researchers all over the world are very excited about this idea, but admit that there are certain barriers […]

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Supermodels snatched by Eagles

Preparations for the Milano Moda Donna fashion show have been brought to a standstill after a pair of golden eagles snatched fourteen supermodels and fed them to their chicks. Supermodels are very expensive and irritating but they are also extremely thin and light making it easy for birds of prey to carry them to their […]

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Malaria vaccine to contain Bon Jovi lyrics

Bon Jovi lyrics can explode the brains of mosquitoes, this is old news but did you know they can also kill viruses? Scientists found that although the Kiss lyric ‘If life is a stereo turn up to ten’ caused vomiting and nausea in white mice and various invertebrates and this line from Heart: ‘I told […]

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Canadian Border Control will not let Dave Mustaine’s hair exit the country

First kicked out of Metallica, now this?! Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine is in a custody battle over the rockin’-ass fuck-you locks that grow freely from his brilliant skull. He’s at the Canadian border. Things are sucking in general right now. “Mr. Mustang is not under arrest or being detained specifically, but his hair is […]

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Everything is lovely in Venezuela

Now with New Tennis Courts! The country of Venezuela is as tranquil as a Buddhist temple at the moment. The people happily eat candy in the streets, dogs smile and no students are shot in the head. Not a single one, nor two, not even three dead students shot in the head by military police! […]

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Sochi will be ready for Winter Olympics sometime in mid-April

A great fracas has exploded across the internet regarding Sochi’s Olympic readiness. The bourgeois western media seems to have taken exception to the fact that, though the games have already begun, much of the area still resembles a town on the tail-end of a tornado recovery. Oh, your hotel room doesn’t have running water? A […]

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Russian billionaire eats a Ferrari

Get out of my dreams, get onto my plate! Russian billionaire Mikhail Khodorkovsky ate a 2013 Ferrari 458 Italia for dinner this evening. The very rich fucker, who was recently released from false imprisonment at the compassionate mercy of Vladimir Putin, tucked into roughly 1/12th of the vehicle. The rest is in the fridge and […]

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