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Russian billionaire eats a Ferrari

Get out of my dreams, get onto my plate! Russian billionaire Mikhail Khodorkovsky ate a 2013 Ferrari 458 Italia for dinner this evening. The very rich fucker, who was recently released from false imprisonment at the compassionate mercy of Vladimir Putin, tucked into roughly 1/12th of the vehicle. The rest is in the fridge and […]

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Volcano erupts Jelly Beans!

Volcano erupts Jelly Beans!

Finally Some Good News! The Mexican volcano Popocatepetl (or “Popo”) has been situated in silence at Mexico City’s border for years. Perhaps sensing the phenomenal violence and poverty the nation continues to face, Popo decided to give back to the community by erupting in jelly beans! Truly it was a heavenly shower of chewy jelly […]

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Puppet Relief: The worrying rise of glove-puppet masturbation!

A worrying trend known as ‘puppet relief’ has begun to emerge over recent months. More and more sexually frustrated men and women have taken to masturbating whilst wearing a hand puppet. Apparently this is an alternative to the old ‘sleepy hand’ technique where one would lie on their left hand until it went numb and […]

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“I was kicked out of University for my Excessively Loud Urination.”

Mahil Jakari’s urinary stream defies known acoustic science* and can heard from five floors away in his four-story boarding house. This is where Mahil is living after his audibly profound stream got him dismissed from Turkey’s prestigious Istanbul University. Simply stated, when he pees, Mr. Jakari’s urine creates a tri-tone similar to the one used […]

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It’s the race-baiting debate du jour that’s been raging since three weeks ago: is Santa Claus a white dude or a black guy? The answer is neither, because Santa Claus is actually Merengue recording artist Elvis Crespo. Through the power of magical laughter from the hearts of children everywhere, every December Crespo is whimsically transformed […]

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Flapparazzi – Press to employ flat people

Several large news organisations have been recruiting flat people to use as wallpaper in the houses of celebrities. Flat people, who are comparatively rare, make excellent journalists apparently. Successful applicants will be glued to the walls of houses in London, New York and Venice Beach by men posing as pool cleaners and dog manicurists. They […]

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The sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service did not actually know sign language. This is because an Italian man with a flare for dramatic hand gesturing was given the job in the first place. “We wanted to really capture the heart of the messages being presented at the event, the actual words being […]

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Beware: Christmas Sperm has Twice the Calories!

Supermodels and cougar moms are being warned to avoid oral sex this Christmas as sperm can be up to twice as calorific during the festive period due to the intake of fatty foods and alcohol! “Men who gorge themselves on mince pies, ham, bread sauce, gravy, turkey and beer have semen with the same number […]

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Sylvia Browne is having trouble contacting herself in the afterlife

Being a world-renown psychic isn’t easy. You must be a completely giftless person who is both willing to make wildly inaccurate statements and have the ability to shrug off all criticism when your horseshit is taken to task. If you possess these abilities and can also commit securities fraud, you’re probably Sylvia Browne. A notoriously […]

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Sachin Tendulkar once shat in Public!

Tendulkar: it’s Hindi for Cricket! Sachin Tendulkar is that rare breed of athlete: he’s is the absolute best at what he does, he’s a gentleman in the streets, and he’s a freak in the sheets. By all accounts he’s the total package, beloved by every Indian person alive, and to top it all off he […]

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