Responding to a general public apathy today the Home Secretary insisted that new Census questions regarding emotion and feeling are well thought out and entirely justified. Theresa May MP said, “The whizzos at the Office for National Statistics have thought long and hard about the new questions and come to the firm conclusion that they are abosolutely necessary and an essential indicator as to whether or not we are becoming a nation of Big Jessies.”
“I have no qualms about people being asked to declare whether or not they cried during Free Willy. Especially men. Let’s face it if there was another war, we can’t go into it worried about whether our citizens are going to become depressed,
get bi-polar disorder or simply lose the plot now can we? The Census questions are simply a policy indicator to inform the Government whether or not we need to be getting tougher on pansies.”
The questions reportedly include, “7a How many times per day on average do you think about puppies or rabbits?” and for male citizens only, “7b Have you ever had a lump in your thoat? (Those with cancer from smoking too many Woodbines skip this question and go to question 7c)”
Aparently even the Queen was in support of the new questions. Her Majesty reportedly welcomed the move as following the death of Princess Diana she was, in her words, “shocked at all the bubbling and worried ones subjects are turning into a load of whoopsies.”
The Prime Minister was unavailable for comment, reportedly waxing his chest hair.