Last year China had almost twice as much science as the United States.
At last night’s science weigh-off in Kuala Lumpur, the Chinese Science came in at 97 tonnes of pure science with a further 200 tonnes of impure science that was contaminated with various humanities.
In comparison the US could only proffer a measly 50 tonnes of science.
The UK was in tenth place with just 9 tonnes.
In last position came Italy who’s delegation had to be reminded what Science was before putting forward a box containing money and the phone numbers of some high class prostitutes.
Science is currently more expensive than gold, coming in about £2000 an ounce on the international market making jewelry and other accessories made from the substance far beyond the reach of most people’s budget.
In Germany a car made entirely from science has just been built with mind blowing capabilities and an even more mind blowing price tag.
The United States government are said to be embarrassed and disappointed about the lack of science blaming it on burgers, gun laws and capitalism, all of which dilute and destroy science.
Religion has also failed to deliver on promises of giving America more science.
Scientology, which is so confident it can give us more science that it has the word science in its name, has yet to prove that it is not completely made up.
A piece of raw Scientology was recently tested in a lab and turned out to be 80% polyester.
Church science has also failed to deliver after a turtle named Zadoc was proved to be four months and two days older than even their most generous prediction for the creation of Planet Earth.
If science runs out then humanity will take over and laboratories are likely to become dens of debauchery and counter intuitive illogical behavior.
With this in mind The Haddock has fired its science editor and burned all remaining supplies of science in an oil can in the back yard.