Josephine Bentley, who’s job it has been to clean the presidential bathroom for over sixty years is sitting on a fortune tonight having auctioned off her pride and joy; a collection of meticulously labeled and cataloged finger and toenails from no less than eleven American Presidents.
Beginning with a particularly gruesome looking hangnail belonging to Harry S. Truman there are literally hundreds of nails from each leader, right up to and including the current president Barack Obama himself.
It may seem unsavory and disgusting to collect nail clippings but to an impotent Chinese Billionaire these tiny boomerangs of hope represent the essence of virility in a way that no prize-winning rhino horn ever could.
Xau Hing, who made his fortune by buying ‘recycled’ rubbish from UK councils and stashing it in gigantic landfills built on land formerly the property of honest farmers who have since been evicted, paid over fifty million dollars for the collection at Sotherby’s New York last night.
He is hoping to conceive a child, despite the fact his scrotum was bitten off by cornered panda over fifteen years ago.
He is expected to have the clippings ground down into a fine powder which is then applied liberally to the genitalia (or the area which they used to occupy).
In this way he hopes to grow new seed using the power and virility of these illustrious, and occasionally deplorable, American heads of state.
Josephine is expected to begin her retirement this evening with a trip to Monte Carlo for her and her husband where she will most likely push him into a swimming pool and then over tip the valet in return for sexual favors and the number of a good drug dealer.
Once she has blown all her cash on class A drugs, toy boys and several thousand Dom Perignon Douches, Josephine is expected to raise more funds from her other treasures including a collection of belly lint and pubes acquired during the same period.
Not bad for a ninety year old!
Those of you with sharp eyes and no life may have noticed that there have, in fact, been twelve presidents of America since 1952…
Needless to say those clippings belonging to George W Bush were respectfully declined by Mr Hing.