A Yellow Cockatiel named Mitzy has scored the big win on Britain’s Got Talons (the country’s most popular Avian talent competition). In front of a packed crowd, Mitzy ruffled her feathers, performed a mating call, and ate twice her weight in bird feed.
“Spectacular,” raved celebrity judge Fred Dryer. In addition to playing American football and starring in the television series Hunter, Fred Dryer is a world renown bird specialist. He likes his steak cooked rare, and his favorite color is purple. He isn’t the best golfer, but enjoys the sport, and occasionally does a restorative form of yoga called kundalini. Fred Dryer: what a guy. It is really awesome that people like Fred Dryer are in this world, judging bird shows.
Mitzy beat out some formidable opponents: Honker, a Trumpeter Hornbill from Peru was originally believed to be a frontrunner with his rendition of “I Can Hear the Bells” from the musical Hairspray. Trumpeter Hornbills look stunning in evening gowns.
There was also an East African Crown Crane, but she was a catty bitch so we won’t be talking about her.
When asked for comment, Mitzy gave a series of pitchy squawks, then flapped her wings and did other things typical of a bird. Her leather-gloved handler is also a real estate agent, and while not as great a person as Fred Dryer, is a very lovely woman. They plan on retiring to Yorkshire where Mitzy hopes to improve her tennis game.