Cold Snap triggers Penguin Crime-wave!

Opportunist penguins have been looting shops, mugging postmen and car-jacking grit lorries. While other criminals sit out the big freeze at home, penguin felons are out in force doing all their crimes for them.

Hurling themselves through shop windows, pecking wallets and iphones from their owners hands, selling drugs to garden birds and besieging fishmongers these Antarctic mobsters show no remorse despite their comic appearance.

Capable of springing out of lakes, ponds and rivers at high speed they have surprise on their side. They can slide down the pavements on their stomachs, break the law and then disappear beneath the ice before you can say ‘Happy Feet’.

‘I just thought they were short policemen,’ says Joan Parsons,  a near-sited centenarian from Tunbridge Wells. ‘They flipped me on my back, took my coupons and then vanished, it was very well organised.’

Police are urging the pubic to remain vigilant during the sub zero temperatures which are set to continue for the rest of the week.

‘If you’re walking down the street and you suddenly smell fish, run like hell!’ said inspector Twigg of the Sunderland constabulary. ‘They’ll have your valuables and then degrade you with filthy songs and insults and then leave you for dead! They have no remorse.’

In addition to this we are all being strongly discouraged from visiting fish and chip shops, a know hot-spot for penguin related crime.