Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have been working tirelessly to accomplish absolutely no compromise, and making great strides towards that goal. So much so, that they done shut down the whole damn country.
One of the little-known aspects the government furlough is that part of the partisan debating that led to this current gridlock is bill which was introduced to flat out eliminate the color blue from the collective consciousness of the nation.
The bill’s primary author, Congressman Thadius “Hickory Stick” Jackman of Tennessee, claims that the measure is a religion-based reeducation: “Jesus never once said the word blue,” affirms the congressman. “And if he did, it was probably in some Unitarian bible, which as everyone knows is little more than Christianity for pussies. I want it out of my politics, out of my corn chips, and out of my country!””
Our independent research at Haddock News corroborates the congressman’s claims, as the concept of “blue” doesn’t even exist until after the times of Exodus. This is a fact, but feel free to not believe it.
What is truly unbelievable is how the bill lays out very specific guidelines for the replacement of the color blue. “Rhythm & Blues” would be known as “Rhythm & Chartreuse” to allow songs lyrics to still rhyme. Entering a state of overwhelming melancholy would be known as having “The Poopies.” Unfulfilled sexual tension in men will be referred to as “Aw Shucks,” and blue-eyed individuals will be referred to as “skillets.”
Normally issues of this nature are distraction techniques designed to keep the public from concerning themselves with actual importance. This issue however, has gained widespread concern across the country. The American people want a working government, but most draw the line at the thought of losing the right to a primary color.
A number of congressmen who sit in opposition of the bill merely want reassurances that the flag and all other patriotic references will be let alone. Given this provision they are willing to stop referring to traditionally Democratic-led states as “blue” and Republicans-led as “red,” opting instead to refer to these locations as “taco” or “burrito” states, respectively. This, Hickory Stick Jackman believes, will get the country running again.
The Green party can still be the green party, their logo will just need to adjust it’s yellow/blue ratio dramatically. And for the record no one has anything against the color red at the moment, but congress can easily change that, so watch your ass, pigments of human comprehension!