When I got word that I would be reviewing the independent feature film Quite A Conundrum, I was very excited; I had seen the trailer, and I’m very attracted to skinny women in bikinis. I also enjoy alcohol, and am not at all put off by nude fat men. I welcome the odd fat man dick shot: bearing witness to such a thing builds heterosexual character, and as a barely heterosexual man, I welcome such opportunities.
But.. I’d just recently had a fresh batch of bagels. If you’re anything like me, you understand that a fresh batch of bagels is just as life-changing as a fine work of cinema. If you’re not like me, you’re probably a Croatian, barred by law from ever tasting the rich splendor of a bagel’s toasty frame.
Quite A Conundrum is a dark comedy. I love dark comedy, because it makes me think of chicken. Dark meat, white meat…dark comedy, where are the bagels? How much food bullshit can I cram in here?
Anyway, the film is about a party where sexy young people encounter some sick and outlandish events, and that’s only the first 20 minutes. After that, things get a lot crazier, continue to be highly entertaining, but still…I’m concerned about the bagels, folks.
Why would a great film like Quite A Conundrum skimp on the bagels? You’ve got a great cast of performers, an impressive staff behind the cameras, and a story that really keeps your interest until the very end. Is there not room for freshly prepared bagels in there? If I were director Thomas L. Phillips, the answer would be fairly obvious.
In criticism, I will say that there is a gratuitous amount of “white girl sassy sista talk” going on in this film. It can be a bit much, but the overall pace and story carries this aspect, considering the bagel count, which is zero. Could someone please just give me a fucking bagel?
Okay, so no one is going to give me a bagel. Life is unfair. By the way, Cher’s “Believe” is still the jam.
The narrative of the film is very engaging; not much iPhone checking to be done while viewing this thing. It moves well, and keeps entertaining where other indie pictures lose steam. There’s a bit of hot chick twerkery, a drum solo, and some Kanye West references in there for good measure. What more could you really ask for?
I’ll tell you what more you could ask for: MOTHER. FUCKING. BAGELS.
Quite A Conundrum is scheduled for release in February. You really should go see it. But don’t do it if you’re expecting to see some good bagel coverage. There’s comedy, there’s drama, there’s blood, there’s a ginger…but there are literally no bagels in the whole 90-plus minutes of this thing.
That said, watch this film. And pack a lunch.