The Captain of the stricken vessel Costa Concordia has further embellished the story of his amazing mishap-laden escape from the ship. These new revelations include being kidnapped by Somali Pirates, saving an old woman who had accidentally wandered into the ship’s chimney and perhaps most amazing of all; fighting a giant shark which threatened to eat escaping passengers. The shark which he described as ‘Really Big and Angry’ had apparently arrived on the scene having smelled blood and wanted to eat lots of babies and innocent tourists. However, its plans were thwarted by the brave captain who, although it broke his heart to do it, left his post at the ship’s helm and dived into the icy waters to fight the beast. It is unclear if this happened before or after his fall into the lifeboat.
Armed only with a cigarette case and a credit card the audacious officer was not perturbed, bravely slicing out the animals eyes with his Platinum Amex whilst hammering its soft underparts with the cigarette case. The reason, he says, that nobody witnessed his titanic (no pun intended) struggle was that it took place some thirty meters below the surface.
Later today the captain is believed to be making a further statement regarding a rogue iceberg which had somehow drifted into the Mediterranean but which melted shortly after he his ship collided with it. He was apparently unable to see the gigantic mountain of ice on account of the fact that two teenagers were obscuring his view by standing on the front of the ship and pretending to fly. The inquest goes on!