The United Kingdom is now fatter than ever according to recent statistics. The messy aftermath of Christmas has created a fresh mob of the overweight, and overindulgence needs putting to a stop. New research suggests that the only way to crack the fat is to substitute the junk food craze with a new, healthier, alternative and the solution is here: crack cocaine! Studies reveal that 99% of people previously hooked on fatty foods are now, not only off the junk and on the crack full time, but they’re also leading a much more active lifestyle. They literally can’t stop running about the place.
The Haddock interviewed former junk food addict and layabout slob, Eatus Muchus. He told us of his successfully weight-loss after undergoing the revolutionary Crack Clinic trials. He is just one of the many lucky success stories to come from there.