The University of California Irvine has revealed new findings from a 10-year study into prostate enzymes, claiming that conclusive evidence has surfaced linking the sound of crying babies to the production of an enzyme called Proistase. This enzyme, when paired with healthy eating and the removal of Red Bull energy drinks from one’s diet, is said to shield the prostate from nearly 98% of common major infections.
“We were truly inspired by the Proistase enzyme’s abilities to shield the prostate; it’s like a tiny bulwark of the anal well, protecting against–” said Dr. Arthur Feirs, who then started talking about science things which were boring so we walked away.
Discovery of the Proistase fortification occurred by mere coincidence during a student-led study on enzyme reactions to butter and other lubricants. The day’s samples and findings were being categorized by a laboratory technician, when her infant child knocked over a test tube rack and began to cry.* The change in the uncombined enzyme proto-samples became evident immediately due to an increase in size; later testing confirmed the enzymes increased strength, and ability to keep prostate cells in uninterrupted health.
Word of the the remarkable findings spread quickly through the internet. However, as there is not yet a marketable angle for monetization by major drug companies, men between the ages of 40 to 65 have resorted to somewhat desperate measures to place themselves within close range of crying babies. Large groups have been seen around playgrounds, child-themed restaurants, and at premieres of films like “Madagascar 3” and “Brave”. It is also not uncommon to see single men knocking about the tills and loitering in candy isles of grocery stores, sometimes standing close to mothers with infants and waving around pictures of Rosie O’Donnell to induce bawling reactions.
“It gets bad sometimes. I don’t like doing it,” claims Jonathan Archer of Portsmouth, MA. Jonathan has a family history of licotus anaphlanxia, an often painful prostate condition. “I really don’t want it to flair up. And between crying babies or the other methods of prostate protection, I really, REALLY prefer the crying kids. Like, a lot more. Trust me man.” He’s not alone. New men’s groups are forming regarding the issue and taking their message to the streets. “I want people to understand, we’re not perverts. We just want to be healthy, like Michelle Obama has told us to be when she went on Sesame Street!” claims the National Organization of Male Empowerment (NOME).†
Change is likely on the way for these awkwardly-positioned men, however. According to FDA policy makers, several corporations are working on ways to turn the findings into a cash cow, and are likely on the verge of doing so. At that point, policy can be drafted to update applicable areas of Obamacare, which will allow for the free distribution of colicky infants to any middle-aged man in need.
* = May the 14th is “Bring Your Infant Child to Work (if You Work in a Laboratory and are a Single Parent) Day.”
† = No chapter in Alaska.