A revolution is sweeping the world of weight loss. It’s the M Plan! Ancient Egyptians were known to use Misery as a way to loose weight and stay in shape, and now, according to a new book by famed health guru Lai Po, you too can have the secret. Weep away those unwanted pounds by simply wallowing in self pity and regret … it’s easy.
The Haddock were given a sneak preview of the book and having been expressly told not to, we can now reveal that one of the key steps is to chop up raw onions until you can barely see through the tears, then eat the bloody things making you feel rotten. With your hands, clothes and breath stinking of onions and your face red from crying, go to a singles bar and try to pickup and having failed completely and been subjected to rebuke and humiliation, run (don’t walk) to the bottle shop, buy and drink a fifth of gin and then phone an ex, pick one who simply hates your guts. This is powerful stuff, and it works. We spoke to several people who have been working through the plan for the last few months and none of them even answered the phone … one tried but was too weak to actually raise the receiver to her ear! Misery is easy, it’s even more depressing than going to a top restaurant with your boyfriend and ordering a salad!
Or … you could just eat normally and stop worrying about what other people think because food is great!