Cyprus suddenly becomes important

STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES!

Cyprus! That little spec of a landmass somewhere is suddenly controlling the fate of the Euro-Zone! Holy shit! The Euro-Zone is like a weird death-match sports arena right? This shit is insanity right now!

No, It’s Something to do with the Euro. Currency.

"Cyprus: There's Simply No Way to Make Us Appear Large"

“Cyprus: There’s Simply No Way to Make Us Appear Large”

Well damn, that’s certainly something as well, and let’s look at that!

According to the Cypriot Minister of Foreign Affairs, “It is true that we’ve dealt with Russian soccer teams, Scientologists, and renegade chemists. This being the cause for our attention is unfortunate. We must admit, however, that the international attention is intoxicating. Ogle our banks! OGLE THEM!”

Now, I must interject that I know a little about Cyprus, because of my favorite thing in life, The Eurovision Song Contest. Ivi Adamou’s 2012 entry “La La Love” is still a favorite, which I still listen to on occasions. Whilst asphyxiating myself. Life is good.

Anyway, Cyprus needs a bail-out, and initially they thought it was a kosher idea to just yank 10% of people’s money out of their banks as part of the deal. That measure didn’t pass. A measure about pastry regulations did pass though, so no need to worry about something known as “rat oil” being used in Cypriot bakeries any longer.

Regardless of that bill, Cyprus continues to be the hottest chick at the financial meltdown party. Sassy! Unpredictable!

BREAKING NEWS! Cyprus is outsourcing their financial crisis to veteran abyss navigators Greece!

Yes Cyprus will manage their economic downturn by letting Greece handle it. The people of Cyprus are beating ATMs with baseball bats at the moment, hoping that they can get enough local currency to possibly use for fire kindling. Angela Merkle is said to be staring into her bathroom mirror, repeatedly asking herself “when will it end?” out loud.

Haddock News will keep a watchful eye on the little munchkin nation called Cyprus and report up-to-the-minute details. Right after lunch, then after the after lunch snack, then my daughter’s dance recital.

I don’t have a daughter.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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