Drunken Dogs No Longer Allowed Aboard Sheffield Mass Transit

Completely smashed.

Completely smashed.

Sheffield Transit Commissioner Alri Taibi released a statement today affirming that the time has come for cracking down on intoxicated canines utilizing the city’s public transportation systems.

Starting slowly at first, the number of incidents involving the boozed hounds has now “spiraled of control” in Sheffield. “[T]hey come from the pub after a match, bark fight songs and spill Guiness on the floor. They lick it up of course, but it’s still rather unpleasant for other passengers,” Taibi claims. “My grandmother once had her foot licked. We’re sure it was either that or the crash that left her ear-blind. Also known as deafness.”

Sheffield’s canine population has been known for their inebriated antics long before their use of mass transit. The city has hosted some of the world’s largest dog raves, and Hydrantshire University (a traditionally all-dog academy) is ranked 4th in the “Best Party Schools in the UK for Animals.”

The influx of dogs on the busing system is not only a public nuisance, but is also quite baffling to Commissioner Taibi. “A lot of them don’t even appear to be going anywhere. They just hop the bus and mash their faces against the windows with their tongues hanging out wishing that they’d open.”

Removal rounds begin this coming Monday. Any dog deemed too drunk to walk on all-fours will be removed from any city transportation unit, and promptly escorted to a private cab to be taken home safely.