Dwight Howard too busy playing dominoes to finalize trade agreement


"Dwight Howard doesn't care about Orlando people." -Kanye West

“Dwight Howard doesn’t care about Orlando people.” -Kanye West

NBA superstar and soon-to-be Orlando deserter Dwight Howard has been the center of a very public rigamarole regarding his future career ambitions. Dozens of teams made their interest in Howard abundantly clear, leading to a corporate tet-a-tet-a-tet-a-tet the likes of which can only be deciphered by Garry Kasparov.

This is a snippet of the mutual pursuance agreement drafted by Howard’s legal staff eight months ago: “Thirty-four organizations, divided into four brackets, submitting proposals in tandem pairs for the next eight weeks, will be allotted three-and-one-half weeks of negotiation, legal review and counter-offer. Also 2.25%, force majeure, and adjustable…heat, index. Contract.”

This is a snippet of the eventual agreement reached between Howard, the Los Angeles Lakers, and thirteen other organizations: “In accordance to the agreement set forth by all interested parties, the Los Angeles Lakers have agreed to the following compensation structure: Mr. Howard shall lend service to the Lakers, while San Antonio sends several of it’s mid-tier players to Houston. Houston will divide it’s team into a tug-of-war, deciding who remains on the team and who gets cut (ie. sent to play for the Toronto Raptors). The Miami Heat will continue to pour champagne on one another and not give a fuck, leaving the Boston Celtics to claim sole ownership of the several goats, lambs, chickens and purebred swine raised on Mr. Howard’s private dude ranch. The Oklahoma City Thunder will alter their casual Friday policy to accommodate the influx of New York Knicks players affected by the trade, and the Cleveland Indians will stop being a baseball team temporarily while all parties allow for Mr. Howard’s deal with the Lakers to legally mature. Anyone who says ‘YOLO’ at any time during the process shall be shot on sight. White gold watches, and the diamond plaques to match that.”

The apparent root of all this craziness? Howard’s love for the game of dominoes. In his own words: “Sometimes a mu’fucka just wants to play dominoes, instead of being a whole mu’fuckin’ basketball team all by his god damn self.” He then splashed a domino tile through his card table and continued his game on the floor in the ruined configuration, comparing the practice to “reading tea leaves.” We at Haddock US sincerely hope Dwight the best in the tough, tough decision of where to throw around a rubber ball for millions of dollars.