Having retired from Spectre after being unceremoniously dumped down a chimney by James Bond (he was rescued by Fred Dibnah) Ernst Stavro Bloefeld has decided to cash in on his one undoubted talent for inventing amusing deaths and turn it into a chain of shops specialising in novelty cat termination.
“Cat suicide is a little known and poorly understood phenomenon which is becoming increasingly common these days.” Explains the ex-super-villain who is sat in his customary no.6250 G Plan chair stroking Craig (his favourite Turkish Angora).
“Many cats are unable to cope with the guilt associated with the desire to disembowel anything smaller than themselves,” he continued. “I’ve always felt blissfully at ease with my own narcissistic psychotic leanings but Number one cannot expect a cat to derive pleasure from death in the way that a super villain does I suppose.’
He went on to explain that some cats feel cheated and deeply hurt having been assigned roles by society.
“Being known as a ‘Dog hater’ or an ‘Ass licker’ takes its toll on these sensitive if fiendishly cunning and ruthless little fur balls.” he laughed, a mirthless sound more terrifying than having your back licked by a great white shark!
“The idea first came to me,” he told us, “When feeding Craig a dead piranha! Piranhas often die young as they are predisposed to oral sex which is a bit of a slap in the face from evolution for a creature that is 90% teeth and 1% brain. I digress. It occurred to me that if Craig wanted to take his own life it would be a sad affair, quiet, dull and rather distasteful.Number One doesn’t want to find a cat hanging from the rafters at breakfast! What if your last few moments could be filled with adventure, fear, exhilaration and drama? Go out with a bang not a meow!”
The ES Bloefeld Feline Assisted Suicide Clinic is open for business and has a wide range of spectacular exits on the menu.
“Oh yes,” he laughs, “Only last week we blew up a ginger tom after a thrilling speedboat chase! And tomorrow we’re we’re going to have a Siamese shot from 1500 meters by a sniper whilst it is delivering a speech on mouse welfare!”
All the amusing deaths are filmed and presented to the family of the deceased in a lovely presentation case together with a voucher for their next pet.
We asked him if he’d ever failed to kill a cat to which he replied. “This organisation does not tolerate failure Haddock!”
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