Peaches Geldoff Joins Cabinet

The government today announced new measures to address the bad eating habits of the nation. Amid growing pressure to do more to encourage schoolchildren to eat their ‘five a day’, David Cameron today made a new appointment of the Minister for Fruit and Veg, Ms Peaches Geldoff.

 He said “In order to engage young people in this issue we need them to encounter fruit and vegetables in everyday life. To this end, I have now changed my name by deed poll to David Carrotman and my deputy will from this day forward by known as Nick Watermelon.

Additionally, the government has made a compulsory purchase order on the monikers of certain celebrities in the media, as a sign of how seriously they are treating this issue.   Therefore, in the UK, pop singer Britney will be called Broccoli Spears while another recording artist will now be known as Chick-Pea-ter Andre.

 Television stars facing a mandatory name change involve a Top Gear presenter who will forthwith be called Jeremy TurnipHead and the X-Factor mentor now referred to as Simon PotatoFace.

 Leek ‘n’ Sprout (formerly Ant ‘n’ Dec) said “we fully support these measures which are needed to dramatically improve the appalling diet of many of today’s children. Er, they’re not really serious are they? why aye mon .â€