Edward Snowden; Asylum Landlord!
Bungling hyper-nerd; Edward Snowden is a now a man of property it seems!
Having snuck out of his besieged hotel at a Russian airport disguised as an iPhone he made straight for the black market (held in the street next door every Tuesday weather permitting).
Once there he handed over an undisclosed sum of cash (believed to be; four pairs of Levi’s and a carton of Marlboro Lights) in return for what he hoped would be diplomatic immunity from Mr Obama and his angry generals.
However, due to a translation error Mr Snowden is now the owner of a Moscow Asylum full of world-class loons (some are bears).
STD Clinic with Bears for Nurses!
Yes the hapless four-eyed fugitive is now responsible for a group of people who have turned the word ‘maniac’ into an art form!
A dungeon of PHD level gore, spittle and hideousness riding on a tidal wave of defecation and horror.
His job is to feed them soup and clean their butts!
Not only that but he also has to avoid being torn to pieces by the nurses (Actually bears dosed up with Amphetamines).
On the bright side he will inherit the wife of the previous owner, her name is Irina and she used to work there as a nurse.
And that’s not all; the site also has a thriving STD clinic where the people of Moscow come to have the warts chiselled off their frost-bitten genitals.
This too is now Mr Snowden’s job!
US intelligence found out about this last night (same time we did actually, meaning that Mr Snowden may actually not be the man they were looking for!) and as a result have told the hire shop at Guantanamo to stand down the angle-grinder and Japanese-Lotus effect 2013 edition water-boarding kit until further notice.
If not a land of the free, it’s certainly the home of the brave!