Tonight’s friendly between England and Denmark will be attended by the monks of Lindisfarne Abbey who are still campaigning for the return of holy relics and silverware pillaged by the Vikings. The monks are expected to sing 9th century hymns and perform a mass excommunication of all Danish fans and players present unless the items, a list of which will be presented by the Abbott, are returned immediately. The Danish Ambassador SidÃ¶v BacÃ¶n has called for calm in the light of these claims arguing that the vikings were not acting in the interests of modern Danes and essentially a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then.
“They’re Christian monks aren’t they? Why can’t they just forgive us and move on?” He said.
But the monks were having none of it.
“So they burst in, murdered the monks, stole the silverware, burned the tapestries and forced the nuns to pole-dance while they sang filthy songs and drank mead, and they expect us to just forget about it? We’re talking about events nine hundred years after the death of Christ and the Roman Catholic church haven’t exactly let that one lie have they?” Roared the Abbot!
Danish security officers have been warned to stop and search anyone in a cassock, holding a rosary or
wearing sandals to the game. Those singing plain song or Gregorian chants are also likely to be detained and anyone claiming to be under a vow of silence will driven to the airport and sent home immediately!
A request by the Danish team to wear horned helmets during the game has been refused on health and safety grounds.