EU TO ABOLISH JANUARY AND FEBRUARY

The government today announced plans to move Britain to a metric time system before the London Olympics.

David Cameron today announced that Britain would implement EU Directive 1,038 and move the country over to decimal time measurement.

From April 1 next year, there will be100 euroseconds in a metric minute and 100 metric minutes in a kilowatt hour.

The Prime Minister said the changes would be established in time for the 2012 Olympics, making London the first ‘metric games’.

Right Honorable Jeremy Hunt MP, Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Media and Sport said ‘All previous world records will be scrapped ‘cos it’ll be far too complicated to convert them to metric time. This gives our brave athletes the best chance ever to win Olympic gold and set world beating records.’

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt commented ‘This is an outrage: that was never a false start and they know it.’

Other new time measurements to be implemented include:
* 10 kilowatt hours in one ‘sunny day’
* 10 ‘sunny days’ in a ‘weekly shop’
* 5 ‘weekly shops’ in a ‘metric month’
* 10 metric months in a ‘leaping year’

Jeremy Hunt added ‘Everybody feels a bit fed up in January after Christmas and February isn’t a proper month is it? So we’re getting rid of them.’

David Cameron went on to state ‘This will make a huge difference to many different aspects of our lives. For instance, all women over sixteen will need to visit their GP to have their menstrual cycles recalibrated. Also, we are using an army of volunteer law enforcement officers to help the public with metric time in an initiative called If You Want To Know The Metric Time, Ask A Policeman’.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates commented ‘The electronic industry will respond to these new challenges with a whole new generation of pointless, ‘must have’ time measuring gadgets, such as the new Durggghhh! for teenagers and others to own.

Nigel Farage, leader of the UK Independence Party said ‘This is EU bureaucracy gone bonkers and we are absolutely against the changes. We are also absolutely in favour as well, as it will increase our membership tenfold.

Old people who oppose the changes and witter on about half crowns and the Second World War will be patted on the head and given a pamphlet.

Just a Minute, the Radio 4 show that has run for a hundred and twenty years, will finish at the end of its current run.