Every Athlete on planet earth is doping
The International Sporting Alliance has announced that all sporting events will here-further be canceled due to the astonishing revelation that every athlete in every sport everywhere has been using performance enhancing drugs.
From their headquarters in the notoriously sportless nation of Switzerland, ISA chairman Ander Sluutervik briefed the press:
“After redefining the definition of doping, every athlete ever has been treated with some form of enhancement substance. They take aspirin. They drink Red Bull. They get full night’s sleeps. All of these are tools of bettering one’s performance in life, and as such on the field. As such, no more sports.”
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