In addition to our previous article on Doha, Haddock News US correspondent Bennet Vindushali has been on location for the past few days. We either overlooked this, or were trying to forget. Here is his report:
I’m here inside what feels like the ninety-seventh hour of this amazing shitfuckery of a convention on climate change called Doha. Or it’s in a location called Doha, or it’s being baked into some kind of local dish called Doha. I want to fucking leave this place…like a week ago, when I was told that I was going to a climate change convention in the first place. But here’s the main reason why at this current moment in time: these delegates have not left this meeting hall in four days.
Imagine a sweatshop, nestled into deep within the impure bosom of Jakarta: miserable children, tirelessly sewing, air so hot you can see it. Well guess what folks, apparently those children grew up to be these people. They ditched the threads and needles, decided climate change was a thing, and then locked themselves in a room until everyone signed some paper. So far no to the papers, but yes to the communal body odor being shared amongst every living organism present around me. A+ for teamwork, folks.
Somewhere around late afternoon on Day 2, people began staking parts of the room as territory; at this point, it’s a full on tent city. People are lying around in hammocks, aimlessly staring at the cooling vents which I can sure as shit guarantee you were broken when we got here. I saw a naked Nepalese man loitering around the fax machines earlier today. How many times have you had to see that in your lifetime?
I’m filing this report in hopes that it will somehow make it back to whoever is running this thing and be mistaken as a legitimate warning letter from the UN. Doha, you are being officially ordered to take a shower. Be it alone or in unison, you must immediately put yourselves before sustained streams of water until your skin is shaken free of your insane funkiness. Mr. Gorbachev, open these doors!