By Joshuah Creswell
Bronx, NY – After loud cheers and applause, former brick yards worker and recent lottery winner Bill Holtzman, 47, leaves the stage after speaking to an enthusiastic crowd of high school students at an inner-city school. His message is one of hope and triumph.The school principal explained, “Most area schools have graduated students who have achieved practically unattainable success as far as these kids are concerned; that being said, we don’t want more sad people roaming around this early in life. We really want to fill our children’s heads full of dreams for the future, but none of them have any real talent, and most just are not that bright. We thought about having Mark Zuckerburg, or the lady from the Pricemart ‘10 items or less’ express checkout line but this seemed like a good compromise.”Ten months ago, Holtzman was working the night shift at a central Pennsylvania brick yard. Despite 15 years of employment, it appeared that his job was in jeopardy after talk of downsizing. “I was worried about what I was going to do to support my drug habit and, if possible, family,” said Holtzman, “and I stopped into a local convenience store for coffee and a paper, and I figured, what the heck, may as well spend a dollar on a lotto ticket since I’m practically broke. That night, when the numbers came on the news, I was thrilled to see that I had won a jackpot of several million dollars, and also bowling was on ESPN, so it was just a really great night.”When he was invited to speak at the school, he was apprehensive, but thought about the need for children to have hope in the future. “If I can do it, anyone can, just don’t stop buying tickets and never give up hope. It doesn’t matter if it’s Pick 3, Powerball, or even scratch off, just keep playing.” After the speech, the school economics teacher noted, “With falling stock prices and lack of retirement plans for most jobs, lottery may be the best investment for a young person just starting off.” He then quietly snuck away to the bleachers with the captain of the cheerleading squad.Most students at the school cited lofty careers choices. Pop musician, movie actor, and welfare recipient topped the list. “This is my backup plan in case I don’t get signed as a rapper,” proclaimed one student. “I wanted to get a union job on the road crew like my dad,” said another young man, “but I’ll probably have a better chance winning Lucky 7.”Holtzman stated that he was finally free to pursuing his dream of “sitting on [his] butt” and watching endless hours of TV. “It’s what I always wanted to do. All day long, it’s marathons of ‘Hunter’ on Youtube. I also got one of those toilet seats with the coins in it that I always wanted!”It has been since noted that Holtzman had filed for unemployment after spending through his millions.