FAA: Overweight pilots will require two cockpits

airplanewingWe’ve all heard the stories in the past regarding overweight airline passengers being required to purchase two seats when flying commercially. The most notorious instance of this being the obese man who was forced to saw himself in half when his two seats were not side-by-side.

Oddly enough, he ended up storing his waist-down in the overhead compartment, so go figure.

Now the Federal Aviation Administration has turned the spotlight inward, scrutinizing the pant sizes of pilots and air traffic controllers. According to the FAA’s federal air surgeon (whatever the fuck that is), the Fred Mertz body model will now carry hefty penalties for aviation professionals.

The bulk stops here!

According to the air surgeon: “From now on, moderately overweight to severely obese pilots will require two cockpits for operating commercial vessels. In addition, traffic controllers will require expanded air towers, equipped with adequate ramp space to operate their Rascal scooters. To counter the additional weight on airplanes, Federal Air Marshals are currently being fattened at Paula Dean weight-gaining seminars. They will return corpulent, racist, and ready to protect the fine people of the United States from the back of the plane near the toilets.”

The Air Line Pilots Association was asked for comment, but did not respond due to pizza.

Dr Johannesburg Swivel

Dr Johannesburg Swivel

I'd very much like to stick my fingers inside you. - Author Bio

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