An illegal health centre run by two men who wore makeup to pretend they were Chinese healers has been closed down due to fifty counts of ludicrous malpractice.
The chief incident involved selling frozen, hollowed out, duck lungs to be used as organic condoms.
According to the packet, these condoms give a realistic flesh-effect during intercourse.
However, due to the fact that duck lungs are not designed to cope with the high-friction and temperatures associated with good sex they proved inaffective in preventing both the spread of STD’s and insemination.
Not to mention the fact that they smell terrible and are said to be very hard to apply on account of the fact they are not elasticated and tend to be a bit slippery.
The two owners have been remanded in custody pending several law suits regarding illegitimate children and cruelty to ducks.
Other dubious remedies sold at the shop include whitebait suppositories, neck-massagers made from house bricks and some sort of buttock comb comprising of an inverted hedgehog carcass painted green.
If you find this all a bit hard to swallow, spare a thought for the poor bastard who last week bought a packet of finch-toothpaste.
As a result of this case the government is to carry out an investigation into all ‘alternative medicine’ shops in the hope that such things can never happen again.
At the same time they hope to discover a cure for Nick Clegg’s toilet splashing problem … up until now he’s been using a Korean swamp rat’s jawbone to adjust his flow direction.