Fall In Unemployment Matches Death Rate…Exactly!

Job CenterIt has been revealed that unemployment is falling at the same rate as people are dying, but this is believed to be a coincidence only.

Yesterday unemployment in the UK fell by 814 which just happens to be the same number of people who died in the UK on the same day.

When challenged on these figures a government spokesperson was prepared.

‘Now look here!’ he said. ‘Not everyone who dies is unemployed you know!’

This is not strictly correct as death does constitute resignation and is a sacking offense at the Daily Mail, however these figures do not explain the death of people who are employed.

Further investigation by The Haddock has proved that the government are in fact measuring the death of an employed person as a job that has already been filled by a jobless person and this cleverly soaks up the numbers of young people leaving school or university without employment.

The figures are therefore wrong.

An even more worrying development is a sharp increase in the number of high risk jobs being posted at job centres.

There is a strong suspicion that jobs such as ‘Cleaner required at Bikini Island’ or ‘Man needed to listen to 3rd rail’ may in fact be deliberate attempts to cull the unemployed!