A stand off situation is developing between the crematorium staff and a group of NHS ambulance crews. The ambulance crews are complaining that their vehicles cannot accommodate fat people (Metro 3/2/11) so they end up dying,
however this has caused consternation amongst those operating the crematorium (the crematorati) because the oven’s simply aren’t large enough for the gargantuan coffins required to accommodate fat people (Evening Standard 1/2/11) who are now arriving in ever larger numbers because they’re not getting to hospital on time. A group of grave diggers have waded into the row saying that they can’t bury them either because the holes are so large they take twice as long to dig and also encroach on the neighbouring graves causing possible desecration, and the undertakers are up in arms because it takes two extra pall bearers to carry the coffins, not only that but the keep having to replace axles on the hearses.
Professor Jane Corpuscle of Sevenoaks University explains why this is happening. “Ultimately,” she said “fat people are a result of lack of exercise and eating too much fatty food. Fatty food is cheaper than healthy food, exercise is free but with little prospect of a job, many fat people stay at home and watch telly instead! Telly is getting worse and worse because the recession has caused budget constraints at the major stations leading to rubbish programming, this makes the fat people upset leading to depression which tends to lead to overeating and death! So much for David Cameron’s Big Society!”
Well then, there you have it … time for lunch.