Female guard fails Prison Break reenactment; doesn’t look enough like Sarah Wayne Callies

Unacceptable.

Unacceptable.

Prison Breaking News!

New information has surfaced regarding the motives of Joyce Mitchell, the female corrections officer suspected of aiding in the escape of two convicted murderers in New York state. Mitchell has confirmed that just after the sexual relations and having her husband killed, her primary motivation for conspiring with the men was an honest attempt at reenacting the events of her favorite television show Prison Break.

“They were the Scofield and Burroughs to my Sara Tancredi,” Mitchell confessed.

However, the National Organization of Television Reenactments has panned Mitchell’s performance in the escape plot, due to the fact that she does not meet the physical requirements needed to portray the character Sara Tancredi (originally performed by actress Sarah Wayne Callies, who is good and pure and wonderful and smells like juniper bath soaps at all times).

“I was a big fan of season one,” Mitchell confessed. “Season two was great but in a different way. Season three was fantastic, but season four and the movie were mistakes. Mistakes I hoped to fix with a brilliant reenactment. I wanted to help people.”

And you have helped people, Joyce. You’ve helped people everywhere remember to go back and watch the excellent show Prison Break, all while also hoping that the two actual human killers you helped to rerelease into society don’t happen to drop in unexpectedly.

Went for the Dr. Tancredi, ended up as likable as Lori from The Walking Dead.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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